Shoulda, Could, Woulda

I should have blogged yesterday. I wanted to, even. But I pushed it off until this morning, and now I'm paying the consquences.

Today has not started out very well. And it's only 9 am.

I have since recovered from my SAT panic attack, celebrated Christmas Eve with my hubby by replacing the master cylinder in our truck, and had a laid back Christmas with Mustache Man and Kidlets. To be completely honest, I am happy to see Christmas pass this year. It's always the highlight of my year, I have a desperate love for the holiday. But with Christmas gone, the next "big" event our family has planned is our move back home. And I've been waiting, dreaming, and craving this move for nearly 4 years now.

I'm going to salvage the rest of my day by throwing myself into continuing my decluttering/cleaning mission, and packing a few boxes. We only have a few more weeks to have the house packed up, and with my two munchkins ad unreliable motivation, I'm going to need every spare minute.

Panic Attack!

I think I'm still breathing. Maybe I'm hyperventillating.

I took a glance at collegeboard.org. To glance at what I need to do to take the SAT's. And now I feel my mind closing in on itself and my body choosing flight over fight.

I've never taken the SAT's. Or the PSAT. I've never done any kind of big test for college. This may surprise some people, but keep in mind, I got married when I was 16 years old. I finished high school, but my priorities shifted from going to college to moving out of my in-laws home. To paying the bills. To growing a family, and now raising that family.

I've done some amazing things with my life so far. My marriage alone is a huge testament to that. I've watched my husband walk away from our family in the name of duty and country countless times. I survived 13 months of praying he was safe and praying that he would come home. I gave birth to our first child without him. There are very few things in life that intimidate me anymore... and one of those things happens to be continuing my education. I wanted to, I want to say that I took college courses and have a degree. I want to show my kids that life doesn't stop with marriage or becoming a parent.

But I'm not that smartest kid on the block. I know NOTHING about any of this stuff. To make matters worse, I peeked in at a sample question. It was for math. I took remedial math classes the last 3 years I was in public high school. That was when my panic attack hit.

*Takes a deep breath* Ok. Time to use GOOGLE, and see if there's an "SAT'S FOR DUMMIES" at my nearest Barnes & Noble.

The End of a Hiatus?

It's been a while. I've thought about this lonely blog a lot, thought about writing, thought about a lot of things. However, if I had written anything, it would have been out of bitterness and frustration, and I didn't want to do that. So I waited.

Today is December 16th. It's a little after 5 am, and dark outside. Because it's Thursday, Mustache Man is working late - read: making sure other grown men who live in the barracks have cleaned their rooms.

Overview:
We went to Saint George, UT for Thanksgiving. It rocked my socks! It was great to see my family, and nice to get out of California for a little bit.

We took TAP classes (transition assistance program), and also went to the "class" for TMO/PPM (we're doing a personally procured move).

Our 6th wedding anniversary was on the 13th. Wow. 6 years. More on that later.

That's pretty much all that has happened in our little life here on Camp Pendleton.

Mustache Man has submitted for his terminal leave, and we get to make our exit on February 6th! That's about a month and a half from now. We're excited, anxious, and frustrated with all the time we seem to have in between now and the move. We're continually job searching, and while Mustache Man is on waiting lists for various departments, that's just it... waiting lists, and no solid job offers. YET. Today's an optimistic kind of day.

Happy Thursday!

Birthday Ball Weekend Shenanigans

Mustache Man and I attended his battalion's Marine Corps Birthday Ball on the 13th of this month. This year, it was held in San Diego and the Manchester Grand Hyatt. We had been looking forward to it since July. We paid for a plane ticket to get my mother in law down here so she could stay with the kids while we were at Ball. I had bought my dress in August. We reserved a room at the hotel, paid for another medal for Mustache Man's dress blues uniform, and amazing shoes for me. My lovely and talented friend Jen did my hair. This year was going to be the best. ball. ever.

Much to my delight, this year I was not only 21+ years old, but I was also not pregnant. Bring on the booze! I knew we couldn't be so lucky as to have an open bar, so we made a stop before getting to San Diego to pick up some rum and start the pre-running in our room. The hotel was beautiful, and so was the Ballroom. It didn't feel cramped like it did the year prior. I was three sheets to the wind before the ceremony was over. This would normally not be something I'd encourage myself to do, but I am usually very self conscious in similar situations, and it was able to relax and enjoy the event.

I vaguely remember dinner. The steak was medium and perfect, and I remember dropping a piece on my dress. There was a lot of white man dancing going around our table, and the Marines I sat with, they rocked it! I was introduced to the "Shopping Cart", and "Lawn Mower". Mustache Man and I drunkenly tried dancing to some fast songs, which he later told me were some sort of beaner music. Oh well. I don't remember, so its hard to be too embarrassed. We got in line and had our pictures taken. Then it all went downhill. We went to pick up our pictures after the allotted amount of time to have them developed, and they were nowhere to be found. We asked the photographer, who was downright rude for no reason! He told us that we should have come to him sooner, implying it was our fault and not his. I broke down into tears, which always makes Mustache Man super protective... not a good thing for the person making me cry. The photographer's employees remembered taking our pictures, and remembered printing them. The photographer tried suggesting that our friends probably picked them up - we were staying the night at the hotel so that didn't make any sense. Finally, realizing that we weren't drunk enough to just give up and walk away, he gave us our money back. Jerk.

The saddest thing was this is the skinniest I've been in years. I've been working my butt off since August to get into shape, and I had a sexy dress that looking amazing. My hair was done. I was so happy. And the asshole lost my pictures... to what might be our last formal event. I wanted to gut him. Now, I'm just hoping that karma catches up with him. And that by some miracle my pictures show up. Our room was nice, but not so much that I could understand why on Earth someone would pay 400 a night for it. Luckily, we got a major discount through the event. We woke up at 4:30 am, and couldn't go back to sleep. It felt almost like we would be wasting our precious time without the kids by sleeping. Go figure. So we watched movies in bed, and recovered from our night of booze and bad dancing.

Otherwise, we had a great visit with Mustache Man's parents. We went to Knott's Berry Farm with them, and to Julian. Julian is a small, history packed town with a fantastic cemetery and Mom's Pies. It was a very relaxing and fun visit, totally the polar opposite of what people usually expect when the in-laws come. The kids loved doing Christmas early (Zach has a new train set that he is OBSESSED with) and we are very eagerly looking to moving from California and (hopefully) back to our dear Washington.

Tomorrow, we leave for St. George, Utah. We're going to be spending Thanksgiving over there with my "other" family, the ones I lived with shortly before I got married. We're so excited to see them again. The last time was in March, and we'll be meeting my cousin's newest addition, Asher.

Enjoy the Bird, everyone!

Law-dee-dah

I'm still nursing a cold. Every morning I wake up stuff/yucky/headachey. Ayslyn first two teeth have broken the gums, Zach's getting another few molars in. Nothing really exciting here.

It is, in my eyes, officially winter here in sunny SoCal. We have our Christmas tree up, and last night was our first night with the fluffy "warm" comforter. This is pathetic! I was born in Utah, and grew up in Washington. This is the most miserable excuse for Winter if ever I saw one. Oh well. It's also our last one here. In 3 months, we should just be moving into our next home and into the next chapter of our lives.

Next week, for Thanksgiving, we are going to visit my family in St. George. I've missed them a lot. We haven't seen them since they were out here last March, just a few weeks before Ayslyn was born. I just hope I'm over this nasty cold by then!

I have hopes of Mustache Man getting off work semi-early today. It would be nice... they were in the field for a backyard shoot on Tuesday and Wednesday night, and luckily, Mustache Man found someone to trade duty with him (meaning instead of leaving Thanksgiving morning, we will get to leave Wednesday afternoon! Thank you, God).

Birthday Ball and Grandparents adventure reaps to come soon. When I'm feeling better and thinking more clearly.

And on this day, I am resting

This last weekend was our much anticipated Birthday Ball weekend with my in-laws visiting.

It was great. But today, I woke up with a cold and completely out of focus. It's seriously amazing that I was able to drive home without incident after dropping Mustache Man off at work this morning.

Right, out of focus. I'll be posting sometime in the next few days about how Ball was when I am thinking straight. clearly. at all.

After this post, I will utilize my will power

for the good of the house. In some way I will better my home. I think.

Where has my mojo gone? The last few days I've felt completely "meh" - for lack of a better description. My in-laws are coming to visit tomorrow. Maybe my lack of caring is my mind protecting itself from freaking out. See, our house is in the middle of being sorted through and packed. I've been selling things we don't want to move and giving to Goodwill. Our home is a topsy-turvy mess. Luckily, it's just clutter, and mostly downstairs. But still, everyone wants their house to be nice when people visit.

Grandparents land tomorrow evening. Birthday Ball is on Saturday. I'm stoked.

The other morning, I went to the gym and did some cardio. Right as I'm opening the car door to leave, I sneeze. The result is a decent sized knot on my head (from the corner of the door). Today, I was opening a regular plastic jar of JIF peanut butter, and sliced my finger open. Seriously?! Yep. The inner safety seal thing cut me while I was unscrewing the lid. Zach has been waking up between 6 and 630 am every morning. I'm not thrilled about it, but what can I do? We took his plastic door knob keeper off, and leave our door open in the morning, so he wanders in and wakes me up now. It's probably good for me... I'm still getting used to it though.

NaNoWriMo has been going on for a 10 days now. I have written ZERO words. I suck. I know myself pretty well. I know I cave under pressure and avoid things I say I'm going to do. But I love writing. This is frustrating, and I attribute some of this problem to my recent "meh-ness". There's still 20 days. I'm hoping to kick off some serious writing today.

After I do something for the good of my home.

Things I'm Learning

1. Extended weekends = me falling off the face of the Earth
2. Extended weekends never go as planned
3. Even though we have gotten rid of a bunch of stuff... we still have a lot.

Today is the beginning of the work week for us. Mustache Man had a 3 day weekend. We put up our Christmas tree and decorated. Found shoes that match my Birthday Ball dress. Took in some recycling. Basic weekend.

Zach is having craptastic potty training speed bumps. My boy, who had been a champion with his Froggie Potty Chair, is backtracking. He is having accidents more frequently and, to my horror, has popped his pants 3 times thus far. He won't ask to go. If he's not near his potty chair, he just does his thing. This is a huge source of frustration for me. Hopefully, we find a way to help him relate and to get back to being our little ace.

Ayslyn's teething is coming along slowly. Where Zach could wake up on any given morning and have teeth, we can see the bumps in Ayslyn's gums and it's a much slower process. Last night she had a hard time falling asleep, and finally had some relief when I numbed her gums up. I hope to see some pearly whites poking through before December.

Today is chock full of potential right now, and I plan on taking advantage of it. Happy Tuesday!

As the darkness fades

I am still utterly exhausted. It's 6:57 am as I type, which means I've already been awake for 3 hours. Oi.

Yesterday was amazingly productive. We bought a car.

Jerry came home from work at an alarmingly decent time, and after sitting for a few minutes, we decided it would be best to go out and continue our car shopping. On Monday, we'd looked at an Explorer in L.A. Yesterday, we went south to look at a Taurus. Just coming out of a bankruptcy, we expected the worst possible interest rate.

It seems that we got one of the most decent salesmen at the lot. I'm just guessing from the way the other salesmen carried themselves and talked to us. We went down there with Taurus in mind. Eventually, we got them talked down 1500 under their sticker price, which is about 3,000 lower than what the car is worth Blue Book wise. It's a 2006 Ford Taurus (a sedan) with only a little over 31,000 miles. The inside is extremely clean, and the back seat has gobs of room, much to Zachary's delight. To my absolute delight, we got the car I personally had my sights set on (Jerry really wanted the SUV... he likes his 4x4). He is, however, very pleased that we got the car that I really wanted (it tends to go the other way around).

It cost about $20 less to fill the entire tank, and gets nearly double the MPG the truck gets. I really feel like we did the right thing. We both loved the Explorer we looked at in LA but this car has significantly lower miles (almost by half!) and will be more economical. We do hope to get the truck fixed over the next year, and I think it will be good for Jerry to have something to work on (though I wouldn't have minded if it was something less expensive than our engine).

While at the dealership, Zach had his first poop accident. He's been out of diapers for nearly a month, so on one hand I almost feel lucky that this is the only one so far, but lemme tell you, it was one of the most unpleasant things I've had to deal with in my time as a mother. Ew, yuck, ick, gross. Zach was, of course, delighted that I used such words that he could mimic me while I tried to clean him up. He had no problem informing as I wiped his butt that was cleaning up poop. A mini Captain Obvious.

7:12 am. Today's adventure in mothering will be kicking off very soon - Zach usually wakes up about this time. Today's plan - return our rental. We got the cheapest possible car for the week, which turned out to be an extremely uncomfortable and basic 2 door Toyota Yaris. It doesn't have power anything. Ick. Needless to say, with little kids and big car seats, a 2 door is not convenient. I can't wait to return it (and never sit in one again!).

Happy Wednesday!

What a weekend!

It was just so "our life" typical!

Saturday: I was able to attend Jane Wayne Day! It was an morning event with my husband's battalion, where spouses and families were able to go with their Marine and experience some of the things our men do everyday. We wore flak and Kevlar (flak is the vest that they wear to help protect from bullets. Ours didn't have the protective plates in them, and were old vests that aren't issued anymore. Kevlar was the "bullet proof" helmets they wear.) We rode from each "event/station" in 7 tons, and I was happy to get to ride in the cab of one instead of in the back. The first stop was to see live fire from the Howitzers, 50 cal, and some machine guns. The second stop was to shoot M16's. Each family member was given a magazine with 10 rounds, and was supervised closely. Out of my 10 rounds, I had 7 hits in the target's head. I didn't think that was too bad, especially considering I' never held that rifle before. The butt stock was a little long for me, but it was almost as easy as shooting our .22 rifle. There was virtually no kick, and it wasn't very loud. The 3rd station was a "pause", the almost camp-like area that the batteries set up in when they go to the field. We got a look into what FDC does (they direct where and what the guns shoot, essentially)and then walked over to the gun line to watch them shoot. The husband got an amazing video of the shoot. You'll find the video below. The final station wasn't really a station. We loaded up on tracks (big tactical vehicles that carry a lot of people, and run off of tracks instead of wheels). It was bumpy, and fun. Overall, a great day. I was blessed to have a friend offer to watch the munchkins for me (you had to be 13 and over to attend). It was nice to see how some of these things effect the Husband at work, and to have a better grasp on the things he talks about with me.



Sunday:
Was planned to be a semi-lazy day. We took off the plastic door knob "keeper" on Zach's room, so he can come and go as he pleases, in hopes to use his potty when he needs to. He woke up early, around 7 am, and we heard him walking down the hall chattering for us. We had Daddy-pancakes (Husband makes the best pancakes! They're so fluffy. I always burn them in my mission to get them cooked all the way through). Our plan was to take off right after breakfast to go pick up our family pictures and get Husband's medals dropped off in preparation for Birthday Ball. Medals, check. On our way to Temecula to pick up our pictures, we heard a crunching/thud. I thought maybe something had kicked up off the road, and Jerry was sure that we had a flat. Unfortunately, it was neither. We opened the hood, and upon further examination found a coil. Then a spark plug. The spark plug was smashed, and we suspect that a piston broke loose and knocked the spark plug out. Thank God, we did make it home on our 7 remaining cylinders. Currently, the truck makes a horrible noise every time we start it up an feels like it's going to die every time we come to a stop. We have talked to a shop about it to see about possibly repairing the engine, and with just what happened yesterday and what was described, the shop said their is a 50/50 chance we'll have to replace the engine. So, we are starting our car shopping earlier than we had wanted to. We had originally planned on waiting until we moved back to Washington and had a few paychecks under out belts, but now it seems like we don't have much of a choice. We've gotten many suggestions from well meaning family members - buy a cheapie car to drive until we move, buy a motor from a junk yard to replace the engine, repair the engine, etc. None of them seem cost effective to us in the long run, so we're looking for a basic, reliable family car. It's not what family would have us do, they've been very insistent on their suggestions, but ultimately we have to decide for ourselves - we will be the ones to live with the choice. Advice just isn't what it used to be...

Halloween was also our 7Th anniversary! 7 years ago, Husband and I sat in the Expedition while our friends trick-or-treated and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so filled with joy and amazement that this hottie would want to be with me?! Now, looking back, it's still one of my favorite memories. I am so proud of how far we have come, how we've grown together, and the life that we have. I must admit, a great deal of my pride could be misconstrued as a big "I TOLD YOU SO" to everyone who said we were too young to know what we wanted and all those who said we wouldn't make it. Oh well.

Today is November 1st, and I love it! I live for today. The day Halloween is over, and the Holidays can officially start. We usually put our Christmas tree up today, but I'm not certain it's going to happen yet. We've got to clear my craft table out of the way and pack up some of my sewing things before we can do that.

NaNoWriMo kicks off today. National Novel Writing Month. The goal is to smack down 50,000 words of brand new novel material in a month, roughly 1,667 words a day. This is a huge task, and I look forward to seeing how I do. It's my first year participating. Wish me luck!

The Work and the Muse

At 5 am, I jumped out of bed and into the chilly air. I know myself well enough to realize that had I pushed the snooze button on my alarm, or waited for myself to "wake up" in my cozy, warm bed, I would never have gotten up. So, I flash freezed myself. I highly recommend this method of waking up, especially if it takes a while to get dressed. The cold air speedens the process.

I stumbled down the stairs, and fumbled in the semi-darkness to start a pot of coffee. I was happy to note that I didn't have that fog that's been clouding my mind on and off the last 2 weeks. I now call that fog "over sleeping". Armed with a fresh mug of violently hot coffee, I sat down in this very chair in front of this desk, and prepared to write.

My mind, though fog-less, was blank. I re-read the last few paragraphs I'd written. Still blank. I dug down deep and grabbed hold of the faintest memory, just barely there, and wrote the little bit I could about it. A sentence. Then a paragraph. Then blank again. The another paragraph. Another memory comes to mind. A handful of words turned into 3 pages, and ended up being about 1,000 words.

5 am and hard work... who needs the muse, anyway? She's very unreliable.

About to surrender for the night...

But before I do, I wanted to end the night on a positive note, especially given my earlier post.

So, things that rocked about today...
1. Ayslyn took 2 fantastic naps
2. The kids ate dinner without a problem, and then excitedly took baths
3. I finished my raspberry and chocolate ice cream. This is positive because it's no longer in my freezer tempting me.
4. Jerry and I talked and are happier

My truth for the day is this - I consider my marriage to be permanent, and I build my life on and around it. It doesn't mean that it's perfect, but it does mean that Jerry is going to be there with me through all the ups and downs. To be able to rely on his presence like that is one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given.

On that note, sweet dreams.

Trouble in Paradise

Or something like that.

Mustache Man and I haven't been rubbing each other the right way for the last few days. Ayslyn is teething. Zach is needy. Both kids are trying to get used to having Daddy home with us again (he got back from nearly 3 weeks in the field 13 days ago). The awesome bond between he and the kids? Gone. His SuperDaddy skills? Up in smoke. Now, all we're left with is frustration and dissapointment, and trying to get back to the rythym we had going.

I have been angry. I need to feel like I can lean on my husband. I need a partner, not a helper. I need more than someone who goes to work and brings home the bacon.

The stress is overwhelming I feel like I'm always having to referee for the kids and Husband. I feel like I need to keep the peace between them... and keep the house running, the meals made, and laundry done. I almost flipped out this morning because Husband left a cereal bowl with milk in the sink while I took Zach to his speech class. Say what? That's a tiny thing to be irritated over, comepletely irrational of me. But I was anyways. He was done with it, would it have been that hard to rinse the bowl and put it in the empty dishwasher? Huh?

I'm going to lose it. I know I am. We've tried talking, but it doesn't get anywhere. I want more than he feels he can give - in his point of view, he's giving 110% effort and I just keep asking for more.

Today sucks. I feel guilty, but I'm almost happy that he has duty tonight so I can relax - so I don't have to be the middleman between him and the kids. I'm relieved because it means that after I put the kids down for bed, I can go to bed too... instead of waiting until 9:30 or 10 pm. It means peace, and sleep, and a break.

I could really use a break.

When a habit becomes...

This morning, I stumbled upon a great realization! What I had thought would be a mega wrestling match had been, in fact, a surprisingly simple change.

3 weeks ago, a friend's husband asked me how my writing was going. He doesn't know what I'm working on, just that I enjoy it and hope to become published someday-over-the-rainbow kind of thing. I was happy that he asked, then proceeded to give him my list of perfectly reasonable excuses as to why I haven't been writing lately - I've been really tired with the kids, don't have a lot of spare time, blah, blah, blah. I heard myself tell him these ridiculous things, and luckily snapped myself out of a rut.

I didn't have time because I didn't make time to write. I didn't plant myself in front of my computer everyday. Instead, I was waiting for the elusive muse to drop in and help me compose my masterpiece - a story which has already been fulfilled and is just aching to be told.

Thank you, Jeremy, for inadvertently snapping me out of my self-induced wretchedness.

The very next morning, I got up at 5 am to sit at my computer and write. And did so for 7 days straight. In those 7 days, I cranked out 28 pages of my first draft. It was a feat I'd never yet been able to accomplish. I usually delete my works-in-progress after the first couple page, devestated by their lack of wit, charm, and sense.

Here I am. I took the last 4 mornings off (the husband had a 4 day weekend, and it's significantly harder to leave our warm, comfortable bed when he's home). My goal is to attack my WIP with renewed vigor, and a fresh sense of purpose. I'll be participating in NaNoWriMo this year. I have a few ideas for novels that have been bouncing around in my head for a while, and I may set my current project aside for the month of November to bring one of them to life. Or, I may simply continue on with my current writing love and frantically type along with the comforting knowledge that there are others doing the same thing as me.

Happy Wednesday!

6 AM

It's 6 am. I've been up for an hour now. I still feel like I could crawl into bed and be happy. With my luck, Ayslyn would probably wake up wanting a new diaper and a bottle just as my head was hitting the pillow.

Lots of rain yesterday, and I loved it! It was almost like being back home in our dear Washington. Mustache Man is valiantly plowing through the tons of paperwork that King County Sheriff wants. We are both thrilled and very hopeful. I'd say that I'm not holding my breath or getting my hopes up, but that would be a bald faced lie.

I have secretly allowed all my hopes to lay on this one county who is calling my fantastic husband a Deputy CANDIDATE. I want it more than I want anything else right now. Mustache Man has an incredible work ethic, and would excel at this job. The truth is, the county would be lucky to have him. I just hope that they see it that way too. I'm dying to know about the other candidates - how many there are and how all their experience and etc stack up next to my husband's. It's probably best that I don't know.

It's been about a week since I've written. The man came back home from the field and has been distracting me to no end. I think I needed to give myself a break. When I start something, I throw myself into it so fully that I can get burnt out very easily. I don't want to burn myself out on writing. So today I once again pick up my figurative pen, and press on.

Mom Sexy!

A beautiful thing happened to me when I was first pregnant with my first child. I looked in the mirror and realized "I'm going to be a mom". That came with the realization that there was a possibility that if I didn't change my habits, THIS could be as good as it gets. I started my pregnancy tipping the scale. I'm about 5 and 1/2 feet tall, but was pushing 160 lbs. I had the "aha" moment and woke up in the nick of time. Fast forward 2 years later, to the present day. I am now the proud mother of 2 beautiful children, my 2 year old son and nearly 7 month old daughter. I haven't gotten taller or shorter, luckily, but I have lost weight. I presently weigh 132-ish pounds.

I decided that I wasn't going to be one of THOSE mom's. You know the kind - the mom who had a few kids and gave up on being a human being. A few weeks ago, when my Hubby went to the field for Steel Night training (18 days) I started a detox (see previous postings for random and incomplete information). I started the detox at 139.6 lbs. When I ended it, I was 132 lbs.

For me, when I crossed the line into motherhood, I had a decision to make. I could lose myself in the kids, pack on the pounds and use excuses like how tired I was from getting up with the baby at night and chasing a toddler during the day. I could eat tons of chocolate to "compensate" for my devastation in my after-baby body. OR, I could get off my butt and tone and exercise. I could eat healthy. I could take sexy back and reclaim my "little self", drive my husband wild *major success here* and feel like the sexiest woman alive. I may have a baby on my hip, but it doesn't mean that I can't look good doing it.

I want to be "Mom Sexy". MILF is one of my favorite compliments these days! I'm bringing my sexy back. I stumbled upon this gem this morning, and thought I'd post the link for my fellow sexy-Mom's out there. Click on the link and check out Mommyologist!

Mutterings

Today is Sunday. Sunday's are usually peaceful for my soul. Today I find I am antsy, and restless. Maybe I need to go shopping.

The truth is, I DO need to go shopping. Ayslyn is in near-desperate need to fall/cool weather clothing. She has barely a handful right now since she outgrew her last size and is now in 6-9 month clothes. She has been rather cranky the last few days, and whether this is because she has a cold or because she is teething, I know not. Its probably both.

Zach has gone 2 entire accident free nights in his "big boy underwear". YES!!! This is a huge milestone for me. I've been dreading the night time stuff, but it's going well. I'm sure we will run into "accidents" but for now, I'm just overjoyed that my boy has taken to potty training so well!

Jerry comes home this week (I can officially say that), on Friday. To say that I am excited is not exactly right. I am on one hand, I miss that man so much every time he's gone overnight (or longer... you know, almost a month in this case). However, the kids and I have gotten into a groove, and it's a groove that I'm very productive and happy with. We will see, hopefully we all adjust well to Dad being back home.

My bad...

I really gotta stop saying I'm going to do something when I know I probably won't. Its a hard habit to break. I said I was going to blog about my detox, and I haven't. So here is an update.

I started this detox on September 27th. Today is 13th day. When I stepped on the scale this morning, I weighed 133 lbs. I started at 139.6 lbs. This is a huge accomplishment for me - I'd kind of stalled out at 138 just exercising on my own. I am really hoping to be under 130 by next Friday. If it doesn't happy, that's OK. I've been doing some light exercise, nothing to strenuous because I don't want to push my body to hard on the kind of "diet" I'm on.

In preparation for the end of my detox, I've been doing a lot more nutritional research and collecting healthy recipes. We eat pretty well normally, I like to put a lot of veggies in with whatever I make, and we're usually good about protein. However, I'm not making the most of our meals nutritionally, so that's going to be a welcome change.

I tried on my Birthday Ball dress last night. It fits better than when I bought it, but I'm still not "bombin'" like I want to be. I have one month left until Ball, and I plan to use that month exercising and tightening my stomach in particular.

I've been getting up at 5 am to write for the last few days. Even this morning, a Saturday. I'm a much happier person for it, and it seems like I have FINALLY managed to turn off my inner editor so I can't just the crap down on the page and worry about fixing it later. I've struggled with that for a long time, and I look forward to increasing creativity and productivity as a writer.

Day 3... 15 left.

I am so very. very. very glad to be at the end of September. It was a great month - my husband was home quite a bit more than usual, which is not to say that it was a lot... just more than usual.

There's just something I love about October. Maybe it's because that's when Jerry and I met for the second time, but for the first officially. Maybe it's because October is when I decided he would be mine, thus sealing my fate. Maybe it's because on Halloween he asked me to be his girlfriend.

All in all, October is a great month and that much closer to the end of the year, which means closer to moving. And to the rest of our life.

Today was great. More detox, I cheated at the end of the day and had some regular food (small amounts... a slice of cheese and some veggies) because I got super dizzy and light headed. Let's be honest, when you're the only one around to take care of your two young children, who can't do anything for themselves, fainting is just not a good idea. Zach took a 2+ hour nap in his big boy underwear and didn't have an accident. It was probably no big deal for him, but it was a huge milestone for me!

Sleep is calling my name, but while my head is oh-so-comfy resting on this stack of pillows behind me, I feel the urge to write. I think I'll follow my urge.

Day Two of Detox and Field Op

And I feel calm and so blessed to have peace of mind at this moment. Zach is tackling potty training really well! I'm still anxious when we leave the house - he wears diapers when we go out, and for sleeping (naps and bedtime). Just having him use the potty at home has totally cut back on how many diapers we use, and is going to save a lot of money. I'm thrilled about that. I was also thrilled to receive a few texts this morning from my dear Hubby. I miss that man, but still looking forward to getting this field exercise out of the way. It will be a huge milestone for us, and that much closer to the next season of our life.

Day two of my detox... it's going well, but I'm still cheating. I used chicken broth in my soup today (you're supposed to use veggie stock I think) and I had a bowl of ice cream. I figure though, I'm the kind of individual who will binge if I don't give myself a little slack, and mostly-effort is better than no effort at all. The kids and I walked today for an hour in 85-90 degree heat. They were warm, but enjoyed it. I was hot and sticky, but I'm determined to look amazing for birthday ball.

Going to catch some sleep now. Single parenting really takes a lot out of a person.

The Last Big One... I hope.

Mustache Man left for our last big field op today. He will be gone for about 17 days, give or please take a few! I've decided as part of my keeping distracted plot, I'm trying my hand again at a detox. You can find all the info you want on it in "21 Pounds in 21 Days" - book. Basically, you don't chew food. You drink herbal tea, green drinks, juice veggies, and slurp soup. You're supposed to get a colonic and I think I saw something about an enema... but I'm not that committed. In fact, I cheated on it today. I ate baked beans for dinner(swallowed, not chewed) because I wanted something that flavorful, and I hate the idea of not getting enough protein. I also had one fish stick (leftover from Z's dinner... I hate wasting food) and a handful of popcorn. I did great up until 5 pm... and then I started thinking about how on a normal day, the husband might be home soon. How nice it would be to kiss him and climb onto his lap while he's trying to take his boots off - he'd laugh and carry me around the house, and we would spend the evening as a happy family.

That was when I started stuffing my face. Oh well... better luck tomorrow.

Oh, for the record... my starting weight for this detox is 139.6 lbs. I've got some writing to do. Another part of my keeping distracted plan.... 16 days to go!

I fell off the wagon... and got run over by the one behind me...

Not really, but it almost feels like it.

Since the last time I posted, we've had Jerry's sister visit and leave, dentist appointments, a couple of mini field ops.

I am gratful that September is flying by so quickly - we're already in the 2nd half of the month. This means in one week our baby girl will be 6 months old, and it feels as though she has just arrived. Also, it means that we have left than 5 months here in California. It seems like a lot of time, but on the other hand we have to paint our room back to its original white, pack, clean, and find out what the next chapter of our life is going to be.

Jerry has been studying like crazy and applying to different departments. Next weekend, the 25th, we hope to be in Phoenix, AZ for testing to some of these departments. I have to get going, I'm making roasted cornish game hens for dinner. We have our future brother in law coming by to watch the kids for us, and give us a much needed date night. It will be the last one for a few months...

All prayers and good wishes are welcomed and appreciated!

Creating Change

Last night Mustache Man submitted his first application at a Sheriff's department. We worked on it for 2 hours, and at the end, our blood was pounding and our adrenaline levels were up. This is the beginning of the next season of life for us. And we couldn't be more excited.

We are creating change. It is powerful to see how the decision we are making effect our future, especially when we have felt so powerless for the last 3 and a half years.

The Marine Corps has been the biggest challenge we've ever faced. With it comes many blessings, the 2 most important being our beautiful children. Now, once we are "out", Jerry will be able to use the GI Bill to pursue a degree in Criminal Justice, like he was planning. This will open up many opportunities, and consistent time together as a family. In comparison, 4 years of challenges and hardship is worth ever moment for the future we are working towards.

An answered prayer

Yesterday, I felt as though I was in a pit of dispair. I felt uber frumpy, it was hot, and my mind was literally turning to mush from lack of use. Silently, I was praying all day for something for me to be impassioned about, for a distraction.

God answered my prayer, and then some.

Our "ultimate plan option" for when we get out of the Marine Corps is for Mustache Man to get into the Sheriff's department in Eastern Washington. Well, for the last few months, we'd given up on this beautiful dream. We checked employment openings, and nobody was actively hiring. Now we have 6 months until we expect to be moving our family again, and while we have options, they were not what I considered great. To me, it would be settling if we go with "the easy plan".

Well, this morning, I happened upon an article about National Parks jobs, which got me to thinking about the Sheriff's department again. I thought it wouldn't hurt to go check the county websites and see what's going on. BOTH COUNTIES WE WANTED ARE HIRING. Right now, anyways. I feel like this could be our chance, and is a huge blessing. Even if it ends up not being for us, it is a distraction, and giving me some semblence of hope for the time being.

Cross your fingers, people. I want this badly! I want to go back home, to the trees, and know that my husband is working the job he's been wanting and dreaming about for the last 4 or 5 years.

Other little things happening around here - Ayslyn is rolling over like a pro now, but doesn't yet realize that she is doing it. Zach has a hearing test tomorrow which could lead to some speech therapy. They say kids his age have abot 50-75 words that they use, and at 2 years old, they start to string words together for sentences. Zach has maybe 10 words, maximum, and he doesn't say they right. I read, we talk, we repeat, we listen, and nothing seems to help. So, we'll see how this turns out. I would love for him to be able to communicate with us, I think it would relieve much of his (and our) stress.

Motherhood is catching up with me...

Today is one of those days that I dread. It's beautiful outside, in fact, it's your perfect summer day - cotton blue skies, green grass, and warm ocean air. No matter how chipper the birds are, I am discontent.

My brain is numb. Have you ever tried reading a book, but you end up reading one sentence over and over, and no matter how hard you try, you can't remember what the sentence was? That is today for me. Sesame Street, temper tantrums, and potty training have filled up every intellectually stimulating recess of my mind, and I feel like I am going to go mad.

My house is decently clean. We made a stop at the craft store yesterday and got me some tiny crochet hooks so I can attempt a new project I've been itching to get my hands on, or a few books I've been meaning to read. I've been longing to sit down and write. I've got a basket of laundry sitting on top of the chest freezer begging to be folded and put away. There's plenty for me to do, but I can't seem to get my brain turned on enough to do anyone of them. I have a list of excuses a mile long - as soon as I start crocheting or reading, Ayslyn will wake up. I can't write when I don't have more than 2 minutes at a time to be focused. I can't, I can't, I can't.

I've come to live by the following philosophy: the times when I absolutely don't want to do something are the times that I absoluely should.

The only way I can see busting through this mental block is by DOING. I'm going to get up off my butt and drink some V8, then I'm going to fold the laundry. I'm going to do some sit ups and arm curls (exercise always seems to get my brain to turn over). Then I'm going to write a little bit, even if it's absolute junk and I delete the whole thing. The point is, I am going to DO.

Bitten by a crafty bug!

I do think that I've fallen more for reading blogs than writing my own. There is a huge wealth of knowledge out there, and as a Domestic Engineer *read stay-at-home-mom*, I appreciate the time, cost, and effort it takes to acquire the know how. For me, my downfall is cooking & recipes, writing, and now crafting blogs. I've never been very creative with anything but words, so to venture into sewing and paper crafts is a little nerve wracking for me. I think its necessary though, especially if I'm going to keep my mind from going stale.

I'm going to try my hand at more complicated crocheting projects *is crocheting a word?* and attempt to make my almost 5 month old daughter some headbands! I can't wait for her to have more hair so I can make hair clips and bows. On my list of crocheting projects, is a pair of Mary Jane slippers that I've been dying to try out since the beginning of the year! Hopefully, I kick my rear into gear and get them made.

In other hilarity, Mustache Man *the Husband* has duty today. On a Saturday = ridiculous. However, he send me a picture earlier, and in the caption it read "I got you a gift, love. I'll teach you how to use it". Well, I looked it up online, and it's called a Kubotan. The following discription was copied off an amazon.com listing: "The pointed Kubotan was designed to be used against bony surfaces, soft tissue and nerve points. It's effective because of the temporary paralysis & extreme pain it causes. The Kubotan increases the power of any strike. It is not necessary to waste time or miss an opportunity trying to be precise. A sharp blow to any bony part of the body will encourage your assailant to stop an attack."

I love that he got this for me. I'm probably more excited than I would be had he brought me flowers or candy. Ahhh, sweet wonderful love! Below is the picture he sent to me.

I am AwesomeSauce on Legs

Or at least I feel like it. Following is a here-n-there list of things that are adding up to my current state of happiness.

1. I bought my dress for Marine Corps Birthday Ball. It is SEXY! Completely MILF material *Heather, that was just for you!*
2. Not only did I get the dress, but I bought it off the YARDSALE website for 60 bucks, tags still attached and all.
3. I sold our sofa and love seat last week in anticipation of our move back home. We are replacing the furniture with a futon which I am excited for. I like futons.
4. Said futon was originally purchased on sale for 140 bucks. I negotiated another 20 bucks off of the price when I saw it on sale for cheaper.
5. I took my kids on a lovely walk in the sun for an hour this morning.
6. Both kiddos are napping at this very moment. AH, sweet silence.
7. My legs no longer hurt from my treadmill run on Monday.
8. My stomach muscles are very sore from my at-home-workout yesterday.
9. I have books that need reading. I love having fresh reading material.
10. I feel inspired to accomplish, dream, and write. Ahhhhh.
11. Our bankruptcy was recently finalized and discharged.
12. I have a new credit card with a horrible interest rate that I am responsibly and strictly planning on using to rebuild my damaged credit.
13. August is almost over.
14. In 15 days, my sister in law will be visiting for a week.
15. The sun hot, the grass is green, and the blue sky is littered with soft puffs of cloud.

The Last Full Day

of this field op. I had been dreading this week for sometime, and the night before is always the most difficult for me. I get sad. I cry. I'm needy. Jerry ends up staying awake far longer than he should to comfort me. This week, in retrospect, has been wonderful! We miss "Dad" a heck of a lot, BUT we have had fun. We've eaten simple meals at 5 pm everyday, because we're not wondering if Dad is coming home at 4:30 pm, or 5 pm, or 7 pm. We've had a routine *gasp!*

On Tuesday, I sold our sofa and love seat. Why? Because I am that anxious to move. Actually, we're getting a nice futon for the living room to replace it. We were worried that our furniture wouldn't fit in the house we are moving into when we get back up to Washington. And this way, the people who visit us over the next few months have somewhere to sleep. *I hate kicking my kids out of their rooms for company... common, kid's nap time/bedtime is sacred and precious!*

Zach and Ayslyn have been great friends. He likes to go see her first thing in the morning. I open his door up, and he runs from his room to hers and onto the railing of her crib where he can peek at her. When she cries, he rushes to her and hugs her until I can come and fix whatever the issue is. As I type, he has gone and laid down beside her on her play mat and is giving her hugs and kisses.

I love that my kids love each other at this young age. I hope it's something that the hold onto for the rest of their lives.

Well, this is it for now. I've got house cleaning, cookie making, and kid walking to do. Happy Thursday!

Washed With Guilt

I've had a terrible fear ever since Jerry and I got married. I've not only let the man into my life but into my heart. I find that almost 6 years after our I do's, I am completely dependent on him. My life doesn't feel right when he's away in the field. The deployment he went away was, on some days, a literal struggle for sanity.

I've always known this is how I would be. But, I've also always known that I couldn't stand the thought of him being held back by my shortcomings. So, after our 2nd wedding anniversary, when the topic of enlisting came up, I encouraged him to go. I supported him. And I cried a lot.

In my mind, everyday could be the last. Accidents happen. The deployment was a 13 month living nightmare, jumping every time the phone rang and dreaming of the worst possible outcome. If I don't have him, then the truth is, I don't really want life. Our two beautiful children now have helped those feelings very much, they are my personal beacons of hope.

Why so doomsy? Yesterday, Jerry told me about a co-worked of his. He is a friendly type of guy. I remember him laughing a lot. He liked to tease me when I would go see Jerry at work. This young man had gone to Afghanistan for a deployment. He was shot in the back, and in the back of the head.

He's still alive.

I feel a terrible amount of grief for him. For the pain he has endured, for what he may face in the upcoming months with surgery and how his mind may be adjusting to it all. Riding about this feeling, I am washed with guilt. Selfishly, my natural go-to thought is "It wasn't Jerry. Thank God it wasn't Jerry."

We have 6 more months (ish) here in California. This makes me want to pack my family up and run. To take them back home, or somewhere I would feel is safe enough to put them. We're basically in the clear - Jerry won't be deployed before he gets out, and has only basic field training in the future. I would never claim to be rational. It's just the thought floating in my head.

Please pray for the injured Marine, and take a moment out of your day to recognize the sacrafice of our military members, and their families. I can only try to imagine how his family must feel.

This last weekend was the eye of my storm.

It was calm, productive, and very happy. On Saturday, my unofficially-someday-brother-in-law came over and graciously watched our kids, releasing us from all parental obligations for about 8 hours of Toby Keith & Trace Adkins enjoyment. James Otto opened the concert at Cricket Wireless Ampitheater. It was the same concert I wanted to take Jerry to last year (however, he was in the field then). Sunday brought an usually late morning (9:30 am) for us, and a day of garage cleaning. I managed to clean out a bunch of junk and shredded stacks of 5 year old statements. Every little box brings me closer to moving, and I can feel the excitement deep in my bones.

Way too early this morning, the kids and I slogged out of bed and dropped "Dad" off at work. He is gone until Friday for a backyard shoot. He says that the field time he was supposed to have in September got cancelled, and I sincerely hope it did. It would be about my luck that it was just rescheduled, but I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

I've entered survival mode. I have zero expectations for this week. We will eat, and sleep, and read books. Not too bad altogether, I'd just prefer that my dear husband was home with us instead of playing in the sand. (Just for the record, he wouldn't call it playing.) I have my first Kristan Higgins book and "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" to keep me company. If I happen to finish both of those... well, I have a CJ Box that I've been putting off for a bit. Even if I had an caffeine drip, I don't think it would help. I can only pray that the kids sleep at the same time, for a long time. Then maybe I can squeak in a much needed nap.

Happy Surviving...

My Husband, My Support

The other night, my husband had just gotten home for the day and we were talking about money and our upcoming move, which led to things we want to get rid of down here in California and how we hope to actively declutter our home before it comes time to pack. I gestured to my "writing/craft table", and miserably made comment of the stacks of writing books and how-to's sitting there.

My husband laughed, and said to me "But Babe, that's your thing. You're a writer, and those books are part of your craft."

My first response was to jump up and kiss him all over. My internal dialogue was similar to the following: "He thinks I'm a writer?! That's my thing? HE USED THE WORD CRAFT?!"

I used to feel as though I could never be a writer. I had never had any support in that area before. I remember telling my mother when I was young that I wanted to be a writer wen I grew up. She said that I couldn't be because it doesn't make any money. Well, I don't make any money now as a stay-at-home-mom, and it doesn't cost me a penny to type away on this keyboard. The cherry to it all, the extremely touching and emotional cherry, is that my husband believes in my and in my passion, and in my potential.

And if he believes in me, I can do anything.

I ought to expect less of myself more often...

I woke up again this morning with Jerry at 5:15 am. I sat down with my cup of earl gray tea, and put my fingers to use. Not only did I meet my goal word count for the morning, but I exceeded it. I'm getting so enthusiastic about my writing again. I'm thinking about it all the time, when I'm doing house work, playing with my kids, even when I am trying to sleep. I had read about so many writers scheduling their time out and being stringent about it. I tried that, and failed. I've come to accept that if I schedule something, it's probably not going to happen. By not holding myself up to any expectations, I am happier and more productive. I wonder if I will have to trick myself for the rest of my life to get anything done.

The sun is bright already, and it's just 9 am. I am happy to see that the clouds have temporarily vacated. The grass is green and the sky is blue. Today is a good day. I think the kids and I will go for a walk when Ayslyn wakes up.

One last thought - I am finally OK with "process" and "layering". Before, I wanted to write a good, healthy chunk and have to do minimal editing. I thought that I would write too much, and then dissect, shaping my story into a beautiful work of art. It never occurred to me that I would first write the skeleton, then add the muscle, then a little padding, and some skin. Its an interesting process for me, and I'm certainly learning a lot about myself in the meantime.

My plan of no expectation

seems to be working. This morning as I was starting to wake up, I was already thinking about writing. My eyes were closed, and I tossed and turned, and silently argued with myself - to wake up and write, or to sleep? My daughter, at 4 months old, knowing what was best for Mom, woke up for her morning bottle. I decided to hit the keyboard.

In one hour, I wrote 1039 words, and the first real memory I have of my husband and myself. I feel accomplished, inspired, and pretty damn good overall!

Yesterday, while the kids napped, I cleaned out my half of the closet and underneath the bed. It was amazing how many clothes I had to go to Goodwill! We are slowly and surely sorting through our piles of stuff and cleaning out the junk. By the time January rolls around, I feel confident we will have only the things we need/want/use, and have removed all the extra crap we've accumulated over the past few years. I hope that the next move will be our the most efficient yet. We took a good hard look at our DVD shelves the other day, and went through and removed a whole bunch that we never watch. Tonight, we will be taking them to F.Y.E. and selling them. I wonder how much we will get?

I highly encourage staying ahead of the game and regularly "detoxing" your home! With every area I sort through and get freshened up I can feel my energy levels rise and my day brighten.

Today is a day of laundry folding, and hopefully more progress and growth! My personal challenge today is to spend quality one-on-one time with my son. He's been a real trooper letting his baby sister have a good deal of the attention from me and Dad. I want to make sure he gets time to feel special and loved today.

The peanut butter and cheese crackers

are still sitting on the bookshelf by my desk. I keep looking at them and thinking that the next time I get up I am going to grab them and put them where they belong.

But then the Zach tries to drive his trucks over Ayslyn's head, or Ayslyn bursts into hysterics because she can't stand dirty diapers. The point being, I've been meaning to move these crackers for 2 days. And for 2 days, I've forgotten to do it.

Today is the day I move them.

Last night, and the night before, my darling 4 month old daughter slept for 12 hours straight. Dream child? I can say she that her sleeping habits are very close to perfect. However, I feel like I'm literally dragging myself around the house. I've all but taped my eyelids open. However, I've managed to read some amazing blog posts this morning that feel like I can get-up-and-go just a little bit more and manage to bring something to the world today.

I have a revolving thought in my head that I've developed into my own personal "get out of jail free" card. "BUT I'M A MOM" - to two kids under 2. Exactly. I am. I am worn out, exhausted, spit up on, and cried out. When I was a Mom to a single child, I thought I was too busy to juggle anymore, and then we added another munchkin to the family. I'm no fairy godmother, I know that I can't make time. Sadly, I am one of the WORST time managers ever known to the world. So I am making it a goal to manage my time better.

Because reading these other blogs by amazing women inspires me to be amazing. I know what I don't want to be. I'm just not sure of how to become the woman I burn to be. And so continues my growth-by-trial-and-error.

I'm going to be purposeful today. I think I'll go move those crackers now.

Face lift!

New layout to come soon.

How many times am I going to beat my head against a brick wall...

before I finally wise up and stop?

As my quest for personal growth continues (erm, stalls out?) I am ever thinking and trying to come up with ways for me start accomplishing my goals. A few thoughts that occurred to me...

I have a giant list of goals, and none of them get done! I think I need to have one goal at a time. Picking through my past and predictable behaviors, I believe I've come to the conclusion that instead of rising up to the mountain of things I'd like to do for myself, my inner fear-of-failure causes me to crumble and not even try. SO OUT GOES THE LIST. From now on, I have no expectations of myself, because I know that is where I find my motivation and desire, and drive.

A second minor thought was I can see what I want to write in my head. When we drove up to Big Bear for 4th of July weekend, I had so much inspiration and so much rushing though my mind - it was absolutely intoxicating. The trees, the smell of evergreens, the dirt and sunshine, it was wonderful. As all good things end, so did our weekend. We came back to the beach, and sand, and a serious lack of green. Once again I feel like I'm dying (figuratively, of course). Like a flower that needs sunshine by is in the shadiest part of the flower bed. I need to go home. California. is. killing. my. soul.

A couple quotes I found that seemed to ring a bell with me this morning...

“When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.” - Confucius

"I'm very determined and stubborn. There's a desire in me that makes me want to do more and more, and to do it right. Each one of us has a fire in our heart for something. It's our goal in life to find it and to keep it." - Mary Lou Retton

I can see the breakthrough!

Now, if I could only just get to it! I read some simple yet wonderful articles from Scott Nicholson at www.hauntedcomputer.com this morning. It made me reminisce a little about my favorite childhood books/authors (not in any particular order, just as I remembered them).

1. Goosebumps by R.L. Stine
2. Anne of Green Gables (and sequels) by L.M. Montgomery
3. Nicholas Sparks
4. Mary Higgins Clark
5. Anne McCaffery
6. Little House on the Prairie books by Laura Ingalls Wilder
7. Frindle by Andrew Clements
8. Harry Potter books by J.K. Rowling
9. The Thoroughbred Series by Joanna Campbell
10. Babysitter's Club by Ann M. Martin
11. The Saddle Club books by Bonnie Bryant
12. Herculeah Jones series by Betsy Byars
13. Pony Pals by Jeanne Betancourt
14. Lost Years of Merlin Series by T.A. Barron
15. The Work and the Glory Series by Gerald N. Lund

The struggle of limbo

I feel like I'm in an emotional-non-war with limbo. I feel nothing, no negativity or disappointment, but also no positivity or excitement. The last few days have been a somewhat struggle to even try to remember my goals and aspirations. I find myself daydreaming and living in the future - 7 and 8 months from now when we've moved from California and back up to Washington. To a time when my children and older, more independent, which I dream will allow me a smidgen of freedom during the day to tap away on my laptop.

I'm in a constant internal tug-of-war with my current writing project. I can see what I what it to be, but I can't find the path to crafting it. I write, I re-read, and I think its garbage. I'm frustrated because I haven't been able to convey exactly what I hear and feel in my mind and heart onto the blank page in front of me. I know I can find the time to write. That's not really an issue. The issue, or excuse, is not being able to keep a flowing thought pattern. I can't stay in the moment with my writing. I find myself interrupted by my kids, laundry, dishes, dinner, or my desire to spend the little precious time we have alone with my hubby.

I've read so much on women who have been reminded of their love for writing when their kids are in preschool or early elementary. I entertain the thought that if only I had a chunk of time where I could write uninterrupted (not for the writing time but for the flow of thought) that I could do this.

Excuses, excuses.

Nobody said change was easy...

Day 2 of my "month of change", and I already feel as though I am failing, which makes me feel downright pathetic. My little pixie normally takes a couple short naps during mid morning and early afternoon. Today, she has been up since 9 am, and its already 1:30 pm! Of course, I know that she isn't the one keeping me from being successful. I've wasted a ton of time, and gotten nothing accomplished. I have a gazillion excuses, and none of them matter. If I can't even keep a promise to myself to be more productive, what good am I really? There is still most of the afternoon. And since I suspect that my daughter may just have fallen asleep, I'm going to cut this short and try to get some writing done. If I can write everyday for the next month, I will feel accomplished. If I can write and change, I'll have succeeded. I guess we'll see...

Some Self Reflection and Realization

My last blog post was nearly 2 months ago. WHAT?! I had been planning on committing myself more. I had planned on writing more. I had planned on becoming the amazing woman in my mind's eye.

I suppose that is my problem - I love to plan, and I love to think ahead and envision all the glorious and amazing things I plan to do with my life, but I never quite get to the doing/accomplishing part of the plan. I have dreams, and wants, and goals just like anybody does, but I keep them quite and hidden,and below the surface. I could soak in denial, and ask "why?" like I have no idea. The truth - I am afraid of rejection, and of failure. The other truth - who isn't? I've been excusing away my time, wasting it on mindless things. I'm tired of being lazy, of being unproductive, and tired of killing all the creativity within me.

So I did some soul searching, and found my bottom line. Even if I could believe that it was too late for me to believe in myself, or in creating a better future for my family, I could never allow my children to grow up with the same belief. So I'm going to change. I'm not planning it this time, I'm just going to DO it, one day at a time.

My wonderful husband calls me Superwoman. He thinks I have some sort of amazing, enduring drive. He has unfailing faith in me, and since I won't consider disappointing him, I'm going work hard for that title for the next month. Everyday through August 11th, I am going to blog about how my improvement is coming along to keep accountable. And hopefully, on the other end, is a changed, positive, and more productive me.

The End of May - As I know It

Finally! The last week of May. Things have still been quite busy in our house. Dear Hubby was supposed to leave yesterday to go for some training (this should actually be quite fun for him. They are doing amphibious landing) but the waves were so big that they had to put off leaving until today, which means one day less of training. Gee darn. He will be back on Friday, hopefully with a memory card full of awesome pictures I can put in his Marine Corps scrapbook.

Ayslyn is growing well, and I am beyond eager for her to get older. I realize this is my last time raising a newborn, and that I should delight in her size and simplicity... but I can't wait for her to be a little older and more independent... and on a steady sleep schedule!

I've been working out fairly consistently in the fitness center at our housing office (when the Hubby doesn't work late, and isn't away for field training). Im immensely grateful to Jerry for manning up and taking care of the kids just to give me the chance to sweat out my frustration and stress. There hasn't been any weight loss, but I feel so much healthier and there is a noticeable difference in how my jeans are fitting! I feel happier too... a lot less like a mommy walking around covered in spit up and formula, and more like a normal human being. Always a plus.

Happy Mother's Day!

Just wanted to through out a quick Happy Mother's Day!

A quick little bit of Mother's Day Background - Mother’s day was first suggested in the United States by Julia Ward Howe, writer of the Battle Hymn of the Republic. However, a Miss Anna Jarvis and supporters campaigned for a National Mother's Day, and in 1911 Mother's Day was celebrated by nearly every state of the Union. It was made a National Holiday in 1914 by President Woodrow. So no, it was not just invented by the Hallamark Card Company as another money making success.

And as for me, I tell my husband to just go ahead and put the 5 bucks he'd spend on a card towards my gift, or some starbucks. This year, however, my husband is in the field for training (again!). After successfully hauling my two kiddos to church, I was delighted to get my first "present" from Zach - a traced cutout of his hand from his Sunday School class. That's all I need for Mother's Day, and it was certainly enough to melt my heart.

Zach has decided to forgo his nap today, and he is being very vocal to let me know that he is indeed awake, and that I should go get him out of his room.

I hope that everyone will take the time to slow down today, and truly enjoy being with their kids! Happy Mother's Day!

My How Time Flies... When You're Sleep Deprived

I've just realized how terribly neglected my blog has been!

My daughter is now 6 weeks old, and is plumping up quite nicely. Z is a very involved big brother, and insists on petting and patting his sister's head and holding her hand in the car.

I've been swamped lately with learning how to juggle my two little munchkins, especially with the husband being away for training, I'm barely sneaking in quick showers late at night. He left on Sunday the 2nd, and comes back on the 14th.(Get this ridiculousness! For the month of May, he's only home for 12 total days! The rest he is slotted to spend in the field training for a deployment he isn't even going on!) I'm in survival mode right now, and I know all you Mama's can understand.

I hope to soon be re-vamping my blog a little bit and changing things up - well, as soon as I get a minute to breathe! It'll probably be when the hubby is home and I get a couple minutes to myself again. Until then...

And then there were four...

It's been 3 weeks since our sweet little girl was born. I am finally feeling normal again after my tubal ligation, and am eagerly looking forward to the 3 day weekend my husband is getting. I just wanted post a few details about Ayslyn's birth and some thoughts.

My husband was in the field at 29 Palms for training when I had my 36 wk appointment. He had just gotten there on Saturday. He called after the appointment to see how things were going, and I broke the news to him that I was starting to efface and dialate. He decided to try to come home, and after talking to his chain of command, they said they would get him home the next afternoon on Tuesday. The husband was questioned about his integrity when he returned home. There was question that he was just trying to get out of the field. This made me furious, and would it not have reflected badly on him, I would have waddled in and told the men questioning him what was what.

I was 36 weeks and 4 days when I went into labor. My contractions started at 3:30 in the afternoon and were consistently a minute apart and a minute long from the get-go. We got to the hospital at 5:30 pm, and the nurse who checked my cervix had to do a double take! I was 7 cm, and I was still walking and acting normally. I did get an epidural. I had planned on trying to do the labor without drugs, but when my doctor said she was going to break my water, I decided to get numbed up. Jerry was amazing the entire time, and gallantly held my hand and snuck me gulps of water out of the water bottle I smuggled in. I am not a fan of ice chips. At 10:47 pm, aboard Camp Pendleton Naval Hospital, our daughter Ayslyn Mae was born. She weighed 6 lbs and 3 oz and was 17.5 inches of perfection. In spite of being so early, she was healthy and didn't have any complications. She was born on St. Barbara's Day, a Thursday. The rest of the guys J was in the field with came home the next night.

The next day, in the afternoon, I had surgery for a tubal ligation. We are so pleased with our family, and love our two kids. We can't wait for the coming years with them. This was the killer part of the whole experience. Recovering from my tubal was horrible. I am happy to have it done, and happy to not have to worry about birth control in the future, but it was rough! I felt horrible and in pain for the first week and a half. I was even worried about running out of the percocet they had given me for pain killers, and I normally try to muscle through the discomfort instead of popping pills.

The husband got 10 days of paternity leave, and he was amazing. He completely took care of Zach so my body could get to recovering. The man is my hero, and I can safely say that I've fallen even more in love with him through this experience. I wish he had been able to experience our son's birth instead of being in Iraq, but I am grateful that he was there to welcome our daughter into the world.

Presenting Ayslyn Mae

Ayslyn Mae was born Thursday, March 25th. I will post labor & delivery details soon.

I can't get no satisfaction

Today has not been the promising day I had hoped for. The Hubby is gone for field training. We dropped him off at the motor pool on Saturday morning, and expect to be picking him up Friday night. 6 days is not so terrible in comparison to the other field op's he's been gone on, and yet I am not content. Instead, I feel selfish, lazy, and bitter.

Tomorrow, I am 36 wks, and have an appointment with my Doc. I hope that I can have her check me for dialating and effacement, just in case. While I was pregnant with Zachary, I started dialating days before I had him. If this little one decides to arrive early, I'd like to be able to give her Dad a head's up so he can come home. My imagination has quite run away with nightmarish visions of a slew of contractions renderring me immobile, with my toddler, and no one around to help. How nice it would be to be back home having this baby at the hospital I am familiar with. Instead, I will be delivering at the Naval Hospital, something that makes me also quite nervous.

Zachary is down the hall in his room for what is supposed to be naptime. He's generally really great about it and rarely fusses when we put him in bed. Today is not one of those regular naptimes. He has discovered the tabs on his diapers, and occasionally gets bored and removes said diapers. The result today was wet sheets. He is fairly particular about moisture, he loves nothing more than wiping up water off the floor or condensation off the coffee table. He got very upset with his sheets, and cried for me to come change them and him. Now he's very upset with the fact that I've not only replaced his diaper and put him in shorts to deter his diaper removal, but I also had the nerve to put him back in his bed and leave him there!

I feel very much in a slump. a rut. I need to bust out of this tiny little creativity crushing and productivity halting box that I've managed to fall into. But how? The "negative" shoulder character is whispering to me that it's ok. After all, I am very pregnant. A little laziness is acceptable. I'll pick all this up again and catch up after I have the baby. But my "positive" shoulder character is who I am trying to side with. Pregnancy is no excuse! I am unhappy with my current situation, so I should change it. Nobody else is going to swoop in and do it for me, I need to be the change I want to see.

And yet, I remain in this wretched box. What am I waiting for?

Growth

This last week made me feel old - more like a parent than a young mother.

I've had some amazing personal growth in areas I struggle with - letting go, being considerate of others feelings instead of gratifying my inner deamons with sarcasm, and I have to credit a lot of this to my husband. This man understands my need to be childish at times, and allows me to let loose my inner teenager without judgement.

I've enjoyed my "time off" of writing, and am ready to start again. I'll probably start typing furiously on my laptop this weekend when the hubby leaves for some field training.

The house has been recovered from my sister-in-law's visit last week. She's pretty tidy, but I have a hard time cleaning with other people in the house. To me, it's my thinking time, and I always feel a little oddly restrained when we have family staying with us.

I am 35 w 2 d preggers. I am absolutely certain I've got no more space for this little baby inside of me, and I am eager for her arrival. On the same hand, I am nervous as well. We have a routine with being parents to one child - and I wonder how our only child will adjust to being an older brother.

Cleaning House to Offspring

Makes me smile. When the Hubby and I were dating, we listened to the Offspring a lot. On a sentimental note, I have to say that I love the fact that I still get that giddy/nervous feeling about the man!

I've had a pretty bad case of writer's block the last few days. I tried just hitting it hard and working through it, but that was even less productive than waiting for some random piece of motivation to come my way. So, I am intentionally not writing for a couple of days. I'm going to focus on housework, and introducing our little guy to his potty and pull ups.

My sister-in-law is coming to visit us next week, and I look forward to the distraction.

May the creativity flow soon! For now, Im going to continue busting at my mental log jam with sweats, cream soda, and music.

I have the urge to...

* Take some non-credit/online classes

* Go swing dancing

* Reupholster a very comfy piece of furniture

* Take a nap (these last 6 1/2 weeks of pregnancy are going to murder me in the sleep department)

* Get a massage

Boo to being penniless!

Dear Marine Corps

Dear Marine Corps,

I am writing to tell you that I am really quite eager to end my relationship with you, and all affiliations resulting from said relationship.

Since we've come to know one another, not only did we take a decrease in pay, but the man I know as my husband and father to my kids has been frequently taken from my family for weeks and months at a time, with complete disregard and laughable compensation.

It irritates me at how much you boast about caring for the family unit within your care, and yet like politicans, you do not follow through and instead you abuse the trust we gave you.

Your system is corrupt, and lacking.

Fuck you, Marine Corps, fuck you.

Everybody has a first time...

And yesterday was mine.

I made my first writing submission.

I can't write any more aout it because I will start to express all of my irrational and erratic thoughts on it, and complain about all the tons of revisions I would like to do to it.

The grammer and punctuation was fine - it's my never ending search for utter perfection that drives this insanity.

Have a lovely Saturday.

If only, if only...

This morning I put on a small pair of maternity jeans. I was pleasantly surprised to find that my thighs still fit in them perfectly. I was also suprised to find that my uterus had out grown them. The tiny elastic band at the top put too much pressure on said uterus and floating baby, a discomfort I can definately live without, no matter how good my butt looked!

The husband is back from the field. It was a short stint this time, only about 3 days, but I'd gotten spoiled by having him home all the time. It'll be so wonderful to have him home the entire weekend (he's commited himself to no fishing trips for the next 2 weekends, and he did this on his own with no coaxing on my part!). We're going to try to knock out all the "big projects" we have to do around the house before Ayslyn is born.

I am re-evaluating again. I've come to realize that this is a constant process for me. I think this is a positive thing, it gives me the chance to correct habits and goals before I've wasted too much time straying from them. Usually, I get bored, or I move on to the next new and exciting idea, and the projects I'd been working on fizzle and die out. I'd like to find a way around this, or a way to trick myself into commiting more solidly to my whims.

I think breakfast is in order. Toast and bacon, with my 2 cup limit of coffee, sounds divine.

Escaping

I've just been inspired.

I'm going to compile a list of things that I want to do/accomplish for the rest of the year. I will start this endeavor on the 1st of March, and strive to do/accomplish one list item a week for the rest of the year. I won't allow this stagnant feeling to hold me any longer - I am escaping. The Breaking Free List will be posted before Friday. My hubby is field training for the next few days, so I should have a few extra moments here and there to indulge myself in.

Here's to getting out of the rut!

I'm going to be one of those Bambi hunters

I am legit. I have finally, after 5 years of procrastination, taken the Hunter Safety Course. I'm going to be one of those Bambi hunters.

Which brings up a few thoughts. Recently, I watched a 2008 or 2009 rerun of The Tyra Show. (I would like to disclose that this was a very rare circumstance. We have the basic cable package and at 4 pm, there was nothing else on.) This particular show was especially maddening to me. She conducted an "experiment" in which she placed a group of kids ranging from 3-8 years old in a room, unsupervised, with a plastic gun. She was going for shock factor and trying to show how much trouble kids get into. Seriously, what did the woman think was going to happen?

The maddening part was when she was talking with one of the kids later, and said that guns are dangerous/bad and that they hurt people.

A gun is no more dangerous than the the rake, shovel, rolling pin, or pizza cutter I have sitting around my house. It is the person - THE HUMAN BEING - that causes it to become a weapon. Is it not unhealthy to fear an inanimate object all on its own?

Seatbelt Reminder

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Mama Duty

Today I'm pulling some serious Mama Duty. Munchy isn't feeling very well. Our little man is a tank and virtually nothing slows him down. This morning, he barely moved away from the couch. He sat next to me and wanted to cuddle and even when I got up to do some housework, he waited on the couch for me. That is really odd. And not at all like him. Turns out the little tank has a 101.5 degree fever. I don't think it's anything a little children's tylenol and a good long nap won't fix.

Trying to slog through some different ideas and concepts. Got one that I've been thinking about on and off for the last 5 years that is finally taking shape!

I think some Dublin Mudslide might help the thought process along.

Inspirations today are coming in the form of citrus and flowers. I've got an itch to re-upholster something comfy.

Current read: Writer Mama
Next read: Open Season

Quiet Reflection

I finished "Tuesdays with Morrie" right before naptime saved the last shreds of nerves I had left. My son seems to be going through another "noticeable stage", and while his increasing defiance, melt-downs, and overall sensitivity are hard to swallow after a while, I am also finding joy in his innocence and the purity of his feelings.

A couple things have touched on me today. (NLT)

Proverbs 16:3 - Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed.
1 Corinthians 13:8, 13 - Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless, but love will last forever. Three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love.

This past Sunday, I had the pleasure of hearing Phil Pringle speak, and I walked away with a couple of things that were especially profound to me, and the direction I feel I am going:

Be a product of your vision, and not of your history.

For weeds to grow, do nothing.


It's a lovely day here. The grass is green, the sky is blue, and the breeze carries a freshness within itself. I think I might lose myself in it for a while.

Ashy Wednesday

I indulged a little and slept in this morning until just after 7 am. My original thought was that I would get up when Hubby did, at 4:30 am. Normally I get up with him in the morning, but today was not a normal day and he had to be to work 2 hours earlier than he usually does. It thrilled me to no end to walk down the stairs and to my "office area" which I "detoxed" and busted through yesterday. Now it is open and clutter free, for the most part, and begging to be used. And use it I will, when naptime shows up around noon.

I want to take a minute to say that I feel so incredibly blessed to be married to the wonderful man that I am. He's been amazingly supportive of my writing and nothing but encouraging. I love that man to pieces!

I'd best get to it.

Current read: Tuesday's with Morrie

Nesting

Today I've thoroughly enjoyed my nesting urge. After a lovely day spent at the beach with Hubby & Munchy yesterday, I've been eager for this week. Today has proved to be both productive and beautiful.

I find that I am most inventive and thoughtful when cleaning my house, which is probably a good thing. I don't work well without motivation, and luckily, I can view this creativity as a reward.

My office area is hardly recognizeable, and I am eager to sit at my desk to write.

Just as soon as I close the back door so I can't hear the neighbor kids screaming like little heathens.

Please, soak me in a hot tub of hot tea

I've got a weird California sinus cold again.

I say this because I never to seem to get fully sick anymore - no full out cold or flu for me, just sinus crap.

Today is not going to be lovely.

We had a rare "date night" last night. It was not long, but we did get to dress up and were munchkin free for a few hours.

I love Valentine's Day and the celebration of even more and more as each year goes by. It's something wonderful to take note of romance and love with the person I continue to spend my life with, and it's interesting to watch our version of romance evolve. (Like, for instance, Im not a really big gifts kind of person. Whoda thunk?)

I'm going to go hunt down some hot tea, a warm blanket, and crochet or read a little bit.

Housewivery

Crafty Things I Plan on Doing When I get Around to Them...

- Crochet a pair of MaryJane slippers
- Sew a denim park/beach blanket
- Finish Munchy's big boy blanket
- Make some bookmarks
- Bake a snicker's cheesecake from scratch (Hubby's fave.)
- Sew a crochet accessories keeper

Decidedly Indecisive

I am decidedly indecisive. As soon as I've committed myself to something, I find my mind wandering towards the next hair-brained scheme, reckless thought, or money burning endeavor. I have little faith in my personal capabilities resulting in nearly zero expectations.

But, I want to be better.

I want to find my niche, and to live there and love what I do. I want to be so passionate about something that it's all I live, breathe, think, and want to do. I want to write, I want to write books and stories and thoughts. I want to inspire someone like I was inspired when I was young, and to cut across that message of "you can do it!" because maybe, I might be the only one encouraging them.

I want to read, study, take classes and attend workshops. I want to BE this. I want to have faith in myself like my husband has faith in me. For the first time, I want to work towards a degree and to put in those hours of work pouring over my thoughts.

But, I guess that will have to wait a little bit. I hear a little monster, just up the stairs, and he's calling my name. Almost. I'll walk up the stairs, and call his name in return, bust the door wide open, and he will give me the biggest smile with the brightest eyes, imperiously hold his arms out for me to come to him, and say "Ma".

Twiddle my thumbs...

As the month moves forward, I am finding that while my productivity has decidedly increased, my inspiration and bright eyed hope is waning. In the past, any form of slight discouragement has been able to derail my ambition and all together focus. How do I avoid falling into that kind of situation, yet again?

Productivity
*Cut Facebook time by more than half. Check.
*Research, study, and write daily. Check.
*Complete more housework. Check.

While the increase in my productivity has been GREAT, I am not really moving forward as time does. I could work on these goals forever and never get any further than I am right now. I suppose this is just something I am going to have to work on, and hopefully grow from.

Relieved

I've watched these past few weekends go by, and I'm not sorry to see them go. Oddly, I'm encouraged and excited for Monday. I think we're going to make "Saturday's" a semi-permenant thing around here, J can go fishing in the morning, and I'll get my break to read/write/breathe. It's done wonders for my mood to have just a few ours to myself and my thoughts without the TV on, or someone trying to captivate my interest. But honestly, I won't start counting on any kind of routine until after Child #2 has arrived and is a few months old.

I just want to thank the Muse of Inspiration for the crazy thoughts I was recieving last night, and that I hope I can put this inspiration to good use.

All right Monday, let's get along, shall we?

A Rare Weekend of Nearly Pure Bliss

Here I am after finding that I was nearly non-existent on the Internet this weekend. The truth? It was pretty nice.

My Hubby took charge of our munchkin this past Saturday morning, and gave me half the day "off". It was so sweet and thoughtful of him, but even more than that, I feel as though my battery has been completely recharged. Later that evening, we went to the beach and had a small fire, and roasted hot dogs and had s'mores. The sun set and the stars were lovely.

Last night, Sunday, we went over to a friend's home and met her twin babies for the first time. It was so different to be holding a little bundle of innocence and dependency in comparison to my 18 month old toddler/tornado. The few hours I spent there holding her babies also shed light on a new concept that I hadn't had to worry about before - minding my toddler while caring for a newborn. In a few months, it will be my reality, when our second child is born, and this revelation alone is encouraging me to try to get my miscellaneous projects completed before she is here.

And so, after this rare weekend of nearly pure bliss, I find myself to be re-motivated to be productive, and wanting to spend less time "wasting" time on other things, like Facebook and it's little games/apps.

Today, I'm committing myself to tackling two small projects I keep listing on my "to-do" and then, consequently, never doing. I'm going to detox our office & laundry room, taking out all the unnecessary things, cleaning, and re-organizing.

My husband will be so relieved...

When he finds out that I've started my own blog. The man is supportive, encouraging, and works way more than he should. This also leaves me with a lot of thoughts and ideas that remain unspoken. I hate keeping a diary or journal - I'd much rather rant and rave in the midst of my passion, be it emotional or rational, than wait to recap at the end of the day. So here it is, the beginning of The Novel Wife.

I loath New Year's resolutions, mostly because I never stick to them, I am never quite resolved enough. I also find it ridiculous to try to improve myself once a year - I have goals and ideals and ridiculous "aha!" moments every single day! Today, January 27th (no, not the typical 1st of the year), I am resolving to do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Whatever strikes my fancy or tickles my taste buds I will go after and conquer.

My current fancies:

1. GETTING OUT OF DEBT
2. Growing and developing my Etsy Shop
3. Sew a lot
4. Write the first draft of my novel

While I don't hold much faith in Resolutions, I do find myself to be increasingly attracted to Goals. The following are my goals for February:

1. Work on my ever changing novel-in-progress 3 times weekly
2. Knit a hat to match the scarf I've almost finished
3. Ready the room for our expected second spawn, due to debut in Mid-April
4. Bake a dessert I've never made before

This morning I read a small free 40 page ebook from www.rockyourday.com called "More Time Now: How to Invest One Hour a Week to Free Up 1000 Hours a Year". In it were all the tips and advice I've heard before, but what I did take away from it was a little inspiration in the form of the next few lines...

Only when you decide to stop settling for less do you begin changing your life.

Don't settle for living a little. That's the path to weakness.

We say "the day got away from us" but in a lot of cases, we gave the day permission to go where it pleased.

And on that note, I'm going to go reclaim the rest of my day.