Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I ought to expect less of myself more often...

I woke up again this morning with Jerry at 5:15 am. I sat down with my cup of earl gray tea, and put my fingers to use. Not only did I meet my goal word count for the morning, but I exceeded it. I'm getting so enthusiastic about my writing again. I'm thinking about it all the time, when I'm doing house work, playing with my kids, even when I am trying to sleep. I had read about so many writers scheduling their time out and being stringent about it. I tried that, and failed. I've come to accept that if I schedule something, it's probably not going to happen. By not holding myself up to any expectations, I am happier and more productive. I wonder if I will have to trick myself for the rest of my life to get anything done.

The sun is bright already, and it's just 9 am. I am happy to see that the clouds have temporarily vacated. The grass is green and the sky is blue. Today is a good day. I think the kids and I will go for a walk when Ayslyn wakes up.

One last thought - I am finally OK with "process" and "layering". Before, I wanted to write a good, healthy chunk and have to do minimal editing. I thought that I would write too much, and then dissect, shaping my story into a beautiful work of art. It never occurred to me that I would first write the skeleton, then add the muscle, then a little padding, and some skin. Its an interesting process for me, and I'm certainly learning a lot about myself in the meantime.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

My plan of no expectation

seems to be working. This morning as I was starting to wake up, I was already thinking about writing. My eyes were closed, and I tossed and turned, and silently argued with myself - to wake up and write, or to sleep? My daughter, at 4 months old, knowing what was best for Mom, woke up for her morning bottle. I decided to hit the keyboard.

In one hour, I wrote 1039 words, and the first real memory I have of my husband and myself. I feel accomplished, inspired, and pretty damn good overall!

Yesterday, while the kids napped, I cleaned out my half of the closet and underneath the bed. It was amazing how many clothes I had to go to Goodwill! We are slowly and surely sorting through our piles of stuff and cleaning out the junk. By the time January rolls around, I feel confident we will have only the things we need/want/use, and have removed all the extra crap we've accumulated over the past few years. I hope that the next move will be our the most efficient yet. We took a good hard look at our DVD shelves the other day, and went through and removed a whole bunch that we never watch. Tonight, we will be taking them to F.Y.E. and selling them. I wonder how much we will get?

I highly encourage staying ahead of the game and regularly "detoxing" your home! With every area I sort through and get freshened up I can feel my energy levels rise and my day brighten.

Today is a day of laundry folding, and hopefully more progress and growth! My personal challenge today is to spend quality one-on-one time with my son. He's been a real trooper letting his baby sister have a good deal of the attention from me and Dad. I want to make sure he gets time to feel special and loved today.

Monday, July 26, 2010

The peanut butter and cheese crackers

are still sitting on the bookshelf by my desk. I keep looking at them and thinking that the next time I get up I am going to grab them and put them where they belong.

But then the Zach tries to drive his trucks over Ayslyn's head, or Ayslyn bursts into hysterics because she can't stand dirty diapers. The point being, I've been meaning to move these crackers for 2 days. And for 2 days, I've forgotten to do it.

Today is the day I move them.

Last night, and the night before, my darling 4 month old daughter slept for 12 hours straight. Dream child? I can say she that her sleeping habits are very close to perfect. However, I feel like I'm literally dragging myself around the house. I've all but taped my eyelids open. However, I've managed to read some amazing blog posts this morning that feel like I can get-up-and-go just a little bit more and manage to bring something to the world today.

I have a revolving thought in my head that I've developed into my own personal "get out of jail free" card. "BUT I'M A MOM" - to two kids under 2. Exactly. I am. I am worn out, exhausted, spit up on, and cried out. When I was a Mom to a single child, I thought I was too busy to juggle anymore, and then we added another munchkin to the family. I'm no fairy godmother, I know that I can't make time. Sadly, I am one of the WORST time managers ever known to the world. So I am making it a goal to manage my time better.

Because reading these other blogs by amazing women inspires me to be amazing. I know what I don't want to be. I'm just not sure of how to become the woman I burn to be. And so continues my growth-by-trial-and-error.

I'm going to be purposeful today. I think I'll go move those crackers now.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Face lift!

New layout to come soon.

How many times am I going to beat my head against a brick wall...

before I finally wise up and stop?

As my quest for personal growth continues (erm, stalls out?) I am ever thinking and trying to come up with ways for me start accomplishing my goals. A few thoughts that occurred to me...

I have a giant list of goals, and none of them get done! I think I need to have one goal at a time. Picking through my past and predictable behaviors, I believe I've come to the conclusion that instead of rising up to the mountain of things I'd like to do for myself, my inner fear-of-failure causes me to crumble and not even try. SO OUT GOES THE LIST. From now on, I have no expectations of myself, because I know that is where I find my motivation and desire, and drive.

A second minor thought was I can see what I want to write in my head. When we drove up to Big Bear for 4th of July weekend, I had so much inspiration and so much rushing though my mind - it was absolutely intoxicating. The trees, the smell of evergreens, the dirt and sunshine, it was wonderful. As all good things end, so did our weekend. We came back to the beach, and sand, and a serious lack of green. Once again I feel like I'm dying (figuratively, of course). Like a flower that needs sunshine by is in the shadiest part of the flower bed. I need to go home. California. is. killing. my. soul.

A couple quotes I found that seemed to ring a bell with me this morning...

“When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.” - Confucius

"I'm very determined and stubborn. There's a desire in me that makes me want to do more and more, and to do it right. Each one of us has a fire in our heart for something. It's our goal in life to find it and to keep it." - Mary Lou Retton

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I can see the breakthrough!

Now, if I could only just get to it! I read some simple yet wonderful articles from Scott Nicholson at this morning. It made me reminisce a little about my favorite childhood books/authors (not in any particular order, just as I remembered them).

1. Goosebumps by R.L. Stine
2. Anne of Green Gables (and sequels) by L.M. Montgomery
3. Nicholas Sparks
4. Mary Higgins Clark
5. Anne McCaffery
6. Little House on the Prairie books by Laura Ingalls Wilder
7. Frindle by Andrew Clements
8. Harry Potter books by J.K. Rowling
9. The Thoroughbred Series by Joanna Campbell
10. Babysitter's Club by Ann M. Martin
11. The Saddle Club books by Bonnie Bryant
12. Herculeah Jones series by Betsy Byars
13. Pony Pals by Jeanne Betancourt
14. Lost Years of Merlin Series by T.A. Barron
15. The Work and the Glory Series by Gerald N. Lund

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The struggle of limbo

I feel like I'm in an emotional-non-war with limbo. I feel nothing, no negativity or disappointment, but also no positivity or excitement. The last few days have been a somewhat struggle to even try to remember my goals and aspirations. I find myself daydreaming and living in the future - 7 and 8 months from now when we've moved from California and back up to Washington. To a time when my children and older, more independent, which I dream will allow me a smidgen of freedom during the day to tap away on my laptop.

I'm in a constant internal tug-of-war with my current writing project. I can see what I what it to be, but I can't find the path to crafting it. I write, I re-read, and I think its garbage. I'm frustrated because I haven't been able to convey exactly what I hear and feel in my mind and heart onto the blank page in front of me. I know I can find the time to write. That's not really an issue. The issue, or excuse, is not being able to keep a flowing thought pattern. I can't stay in the moment with my writing. I find myself interrupted by my kids, laundry, dishes, dinner, or my desire to spend the little precious time we have alone with my hubby.

I've read so much on women who have been reminded of their love for writing when their kids are in preschool or early elementary. I entertain the thought that if only I had a chunk of time where I could write uninterrupted (not for the writing time but for the flow of thought) that I could do this.

Excuses, excuses.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Nobody said change was easy...

Day 2 of my "month of change", and I already feel as though I am failing, which makes me feel downright pathetic. My little pixie normally takes a couple short naps during mid morning and early afternoon. Today, she has been up since 9 am, and its already 1:30 pm! Of course, I know that she isn't the one keeping me from being successful. I've wasted a ton of time, and gotten nothing accomplished. I have a gazillion excuses, and none of them matter. If I can't even keep a promise to myself to be more productive, what good am I really? There is still most of the afternoon. And since I suspect that my daughter may just have fallen asleep, I'm going to cut this short and try to get some writing done. If I can write everyday for the next month, I will feel accomplished. If I can write and change, I'll have succeeded. I guess we'll see...

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Some Self Reflection and Realization

My last blog post was nearly 2 months ago. WHAT?! I had been planning on committing myself more. I had planned on writing more. I had planned on becoming the amazing woman in my mind's eye.

I suppose that is my problem - I love to plan, and I love to think ahead and envision all the glorious and amazing things I plan to do with my life, but I never quite get to the doing/accomplishing part of the plan. I have dreams, and wants, and goals just like anybody does, but I keep them quite and hidden,and below the surface. I could soak in denial, and ask "why?" like I have no idea. The truth - I am afraid of rejection, and of failure. The other truth - who isn't? I've been excusing away my time, wasting it on mindless things. I'm tired of being lazy, of being unproductive, and tired of killing all the creativity within me.

So I did some soul searching, and found my bottom line. Even if I could believe that it was too late for me to believe in myself, or in creating a better future for my family, I could never allow my children to grow up with the same belief. So I'm going to change. I'm not planning it this time, I'm just going to DO it, one day at a time.

My wonderful husband calls me Superwoman. He thinks I have some sort of amazing, enduring drive. He has unfailing faith in me, and since I won't consider disappointing him, I'm going work hard for that title for the next month. Everyday through August 11th, I am going to blog about how my improvement is coming along to keep accountable. And hopefully, on the other end, is a changed, positive, and more productive me.