Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The struggle of limbo

I feel like I'm in an emotional-non-war with limbo. I feel nothing, no negativity or disappointment, but also no positivity or excitement. The last few days have been a somewhat struggle to even try to remember my goals and aspirations. I find myself daydreaming and living in the future - 7 and 8 months from now when we've moved from California and back up to Washington. To a time when my children and older, more independent, which I dream will allow me a smidgen of freedom during the day to tap away on my laptop.

I'm in a constant internal tug-of-war with my current writing project. I can see what I what it to be, but I can't find the path to crafting it. I write, I re-read, and I think its garbage. I'm frustrated because I haven't been able to convey exactly what I hear and feel in my mind and heart onto the blank page in front of me. I know I can find the time to write. That's not really an issue. The issue, or excuse, is not being able to keep a flowing thought pattern. I can't stay in the moment with my writing. I find myself interrupted by my kids, laundry, dishes, dinner, or my desire to spend the little precious time we have alone with my hubby.

I've read so much on women who have been reminded of their love for writing when their kids are in preschool or early elementary. I entertain the thought that if only I had a chunk of time where I could write uninterrupted (not for the writing time but for the flow of thought) that I could do this.

Excuses, excuses.

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