Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Creating Change

Last night Mustache Man submitted his first application at a Sheriff's department. We worked on it for 2 hours, and at the end, our blood was pounding and our adrenaline levels were up. This is the beginning of the next season of life for us. And we couldn't be more excited.

We are creating change. It is powerful to see how the decision we are making effect our future, especially when we have felt so powerless for the last 3 and a half years.

The Marine Corps has been the biggest challenge we've ever faced. With it comes many blessings, the 2 most important being our beautiful children. Now, once we are "out", Jerry will be able to use the GI Bill to pursue a degree in Criminal Justice, like he was planning. This will open up many opportunities, and consistent time together as a family. In comparison, 4 years of challenges and hardship is worth ever moment for the future we are working towards.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

An answered prayer

Yesterday, I felt as though I was in a pit of dispair. I felt uber frumpy, it was hot, and my mind was literally turning to mush from lack of use. Silently, I was praying all day for something for me to be impassioned about, for a distraction.

God answered my prayer, and then some.

Our "ultimate plan option" for when we get out of the Marine Corps is for Mustache Man to get into the Sheriff's department in Eastern Washington. Well, for the last few months, we'd given up on this beautiful dream. We checked employment openings, and nobody was actively hiring. Now we have 6 months until we expect to be moving our family again, and while we have options, they were not what I considered great. To me, it would be settling if we go with "the easy plan".

Well, this morning, I happened upon an article about National Parks jobs, which got me to thinking about the Sheriff's department again. I thought it wouldn't hurt to go check the county websites and see what's going on. BOTH COUNTIES WE WANTED ARE HIRING. Right now, anyways. I feel like this could be our chance, and is a huge blessing. Even if it ends up not being for us, it is a distraction, and giving me some semblence of hope for the time being.

Cross your fingers, people. I want this badly! I want to go back home, to the trees, and know that my husband is working the job he's been wanting and dreaming about for the last 4 or 5 years.

Other little things happening around here - Ayslyn is rolling over like a pro now, but doesn't yet realize that she is doing it. Zach has a hearing test tomorrow which could lead to some speech therapy. They say kids his age have abot 50-75 words that they use, and at 2 years old, they start to string words together for sentences. Zach has maybe 10 words, maximum, and he doesn't say they right. I read, we talk, we repeat, we listen, and nothing seems to help. So, we'll see how this turns out. I would love for him to be able to communicate with us, I think it would relieve much of his (and our) stress.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Motherhood is catching up with me...

Today is one of those days that I dread. It's beautiful outside, in fact, it's your perfect summer day - cotton blue skies, green grass, and warm ocean air. No matter how chipper the birds are, I am discontent.

My brain is numb. Have you ever tried reading a book, but you end up reading one sentence over and over, and no matter how hard you try, you can't remember what the sentence was? That is today for me. Sesame Street, temper tantrums, and potty training have filled up every intellectually stimulating recess of my mind, and I feel like I am going to go mad.

My house is decently clean. We made a stop at the craft store yesterday and got me some tiny crochet hooks so I can attempt a new project I've been itching to get my hands on, or a few books I've been meaning to read. I've been longing to sit down and write. I've got a basket of laundry sitting on top of the chest freezer begging to be folded and put away. There's plenty for me to do, but I can't seem to get my brain turned on enough to do anyone of them. I have a list of excuses a mile long - as soon as I start crocheting or reading, Ayslyn will wake up. I can't write when I don't have more than 2 minutes at a time to be focused. I can't, I can't, I can't.

I've come to live by the following philosophy: the times when I absolutely don't want to do something are the times that I absoluely should.

The only way I can see busting through this mental block is by DOING. I'm going to get up off my butt and drink some V8, then I'm going to fold the laundry. I'm going to do some sit ups and arm curls (exercise always seems to get my brain to turn over). Then I'm going to write a little bit, even if it's absolute junk and I delete the whole thing. The point is, I am going to DO.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Bitten by a crafty bug!

I do think that I've fallen more for reading blogs than writing my own. There is a huge wealth of knowledge out there, and as a Domestic Engineer *read stay-at-home-mom*, I appreciate the time, cost, and effort it takes to acquire the know how. For me, my downfall is cooking & recipes, writing, and now crafting blogs. I've never been very creative with anything but words, so to venture into sewing and paper crafts is a little nerve wracking for me. I think its necessary though, especially if I'm going to keep my mind from going stale.

I'm going to try my hand at more complicated crocheting projects *is crocheting a word?* and attempt to make my almost 5 month old daughter some headbands! I can't wait for her to have more hair so I can make hair clips and bows. On my list of crocheting projects, is a pair of Mary Jane slippers that I've been dying to try out since the beginning of the year! Hopefully, I kick my rear into gear and get them made.

In other hilarity, Mustache Man *the Husband* has duty today. On a Saturday = ridiculous. However, he send me a picture earlier, and in the caption it read "I got you a gift, love. I'll teach you how to use it". Well, I looked it up online, and it's called a Kubotan. The following discription was copied off an amazon.com listing: "The pointed Kubotan was designed to be used against bony surfaces, soft tissue and nerve points. It's effective because of the temporary paralysis & extreme pain it causes. The Kubotan increases the power of any strike. It is not necessary to waste time or miss an opportunity trying to be precise. A sharp blow to any bony part of the body will encourage your assailant to stop an attack."

I love that he got this for me. I'm probably more excited than I would be had he brought me flowers or candy. Ahhh, sweet wonderful love! Below is the picture he sent to me.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I am AwesomeSauce on Legs

Or at least I feel like it. Following is a here-n-there list of things that are adding up to my current state of happiness.

1. I bought my dress for Marine Corps Birthday Ball. It is SEXY! Completely MILF material *Heather, that was just for you!*
2. Not only did I get the dress, but I bought it off the YARDSALE website for 60 bucks, tags still attached and all.
3. I sold our sofa and love seat last week in anticipation of our move back home. We are replacing the furniture with a futon which I am excited for. I like futons.
4. Said futon was originally purchased on sale for 140 bucks. I negotiated another 20 bucks off of the price when I saw it on sale for cheaper.
5. I took my kids on a lovely walk in the sun for an hour this morning.
6. Both kiddos are napping at this very moment. AH, sweet silence.
7. My legs no longer hurt from my treadmill run on Monday.
8. My stomach muscles are very sore from my at-home-workout yesterday.
9. I have books that need reading. I love having fresh reading material.
10. I feel inspired to accomplish, dream, and write. Ahhhhh.
11. Our bankruptcy was recently finalized and discharged.
12. I have a new credit card with a horrible interest rate that I am responsibly and strictly planning on using to rebuild my damaged credit.
13. August is almost over.
14. In 15 days, my sister in law will be visiting for a week.
15. The sun hot, the grass is green, and the blue sky is littered with soft puffs of cloud.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Last Full Day

of this field op. I had been dreading this week for sometime, and the night before is always the most difficult for me. I get sad. I cry. I'm needy. Jerry ends up staying awake far longer than he should to comfort me. This week, in retrospect, has been wonderful! We miss "Dad" a heck of a lot, BUT we have had fun. We've eaten simple meals at 5 pm everyday, because we're not wondering if Dad is coming home at 4:30 pm, or 5 pm, or 7 pm. We've had a routine *gasp!*

On Tuesday, I sold our sofa and love seat. Why? Because I am that anxious to move. Actually, we're getting a nice futon for the living room to replace it. We were worried that our furniture wouldn't fit in the house we are moving into when we get back up to Washington. And this way, the people who visit us over the next few months have somewhere to sleep. *I hate kicking my kids out of their rooms for company... common, kid's nap time/bedtime is sacred and precious!*

Zach and Ayslyn have been great friends. He likes to go see her first thing in the morning. I open his door up, and he runs from his room to hers and onto the railing of her crib where he can peek at her. When she cries, he rushes to her and hugs her until I can come and fix whatever the issue is. As I type, he has gone and laid down beside her on her play mat and is giving her hugs and kisses.

I love that my kids love each other at this young age. I hope it's something that the hold onto for the rest of their lives.

Well, this is it for now. I've got house cleaning, cookie making, and kid walking to do. Happy Thursday!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Washed With Guilt

I've had a terrible fear ever since Jerry and I got married. I've not only let the man into my life but into my heart. I find that almost 6 years after our I do's, I am completely dependent on him. My life doesn't feel right when he's away in the field. The deployment he went away was, on some days, a literal struggle for sanity.

I've always known this is how I would be. But, I've also always known that I couldn't stand the thought of him being held back by my shortcomings. So, after our 2nd wedding anniversary, when the topic of enlisting came up, I encouraged him to go. I supported him. And I cried a lot.

In my mind, everyday could be the last. Accidents happen. The deployment was a 13 month living nightmare, jumping every time the phone rang and dreaming of the worst possible outcome. If I don't have him, then the truth is, I don't really want life. Our two beautiful children now have helped those feelings very much, they are my personal beacons of hope.

Why so doomsy? Yesterday, Jerry told me about a co-worked of his. He is a friendly type of guy. I remember him laughing a lot. He liked to tease me when I would go see Jerry at work. This young man had gone to Afghanistan for a deployment. He was shot in the back, and in the back of the head.

He's still alive.

I feel a terrible amount of grief for him. For the pain he has endured, for what he may face in the upcoming months with surgery and how his mind may be adjusting to it all. Riding about this feeling, I am washed with guilt. Selfishly, my natural go-to thought is "It wasn't Jerry. Thank God it wasn't Jerry."

We have 6 more months (ish) here in California. This makes me want to pack my family up and run. To take them back home, or somewhere I would feel is safe enough to put them. We're basically in the clear - Jerry won't be deployed before he gets out, and has only basic field training in the future. I would never claim to be rational. It's just the thought floating in my head.

Please pray for the injured Marine, and take a moment out of your day to recognize the sacrafice of our military members, and their families. I can only try to imagine how his family must feel.

Monday, August 9, 2010

This last weekend was the eye of my storm.

It was calm, productive, and very happy. On Saturday, my unofficially-someday-brother-in-law came over and graciously watched our kids, releasing us from all parental obligations for about 8 hours of Toby Keith & Trace Adkins enjoyment. James Otto opened the concert at Cricket Wireless Ampitheater. It was the same concert I wanted to take Jerry to last year (however, he was in the field then). Sunday brought an usually late morning (9:30 am) for us, and a day of garage cleaning. I managed to clean out a bunch of junk and shredded stacks of 5 year old statements. Every little box brings me closer to moving, and I can feel the excitement deep in my bones.

Way too early this morning, the kids and I slogged out of bed and dropped "Dad" off at work. He is gone until Friday for a backyard shoot. He says that the field time he was supposed to have in September got cancelled, and I sincerely hope it did. It would be about my luck that it was just rescheduled, but I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

I've entered survival mode. I have zero expectations for this week. We will eat, and sleep, and read books. Not too bad altogether, I'd just prefer that my dear husband was home with us instead of playing in the sand. (Just for the record, he wouldn't call it playing.) I have my first Kristan Higgins book and "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" to keep me company. If I happen to finish both of those... well, I have a CJ Box that I've been putting off for a bit. Even if I had an caffeine drip, I don't think it would help. I can only pray that the kids sleep at the same time, for a long time. Then maybe I can squeak in a much needed nap.

Happy Surviving...

Friday, August 6, 2010

My Husband, My Support

The other night, my husband had just gotten home for the day and we were talking about money and our upcoming move, which led to things we want to get rid of down here in California and how we hope to actively declutter our home before it comes time to pack. I gestured to my "writing/craft table", and miserably made comment of the stacks of writing books and how-to's sitting there.

My husband laughed, and said to me "But Babe, that's your thing. You're a writer, and those books are part of your craft."

My first response was to jump up and kiss him all over. My internal dialogue was similar to the following: "He thinks I'm a writer?! That's my thing? HE USED THE WORD CRAFT?!"

I used to feel as though I could never be a writer. I had never had any support in that area before. I remember telling my mother when I was young that I wanted to be a writer wen I grew up. She said that I couldn't be because it doesn't make any money. Well, I don't make any money now as a stay-at-home-mom, and it doesn't cost me a penny to type away on this keyboard. The cherry to it all, the extremely touching and emotional cherry, is that my husband believes in my and in my passion, and in my potential.

And if he believes in me, I can do anything.