Sunday, March 21, 2010

I can't get no satisfaction

Today has not been the promising day I had hoped for. The Hubby is gone for field training. We dropped him off at the motor pool on Saturday morning, and expect to be picking him up Friday night. 6 days is not so terrible in comparison to the other field op's he's been gone on, and yet I am not content. Instead, I feel selfish, lazy, and bitter.

Tomorrow, I am 36 wks, and have an appointment with my Doc. I hope that I can have her check me for dialating and effacement, just in case. While I was pregnant with Zachary, I started dialating days before I had him. If this little one decides to arrive early, I'd like to be able to give her Dad a head's up so he can come home. My imagination has quite run away with nightmarish visions of a slew of contractions renderring me immobile, with my toddler, and no one around to help. How nice it would be to be back home having this baby at the hospital I am familiar with. Instead, I will be delivering at the Naval Hospital, something that makes me also quite nervous.

Zachary is down the hall in his room for what is supposed to be naptime. He's generally really great about it and rarely fusses when we put him in bed. Today is not one of those regular naptimes. He has discovered the tabs on his diapers, and occasionally gets bored and removes said diapers. The result today was wet sheets. He is fairly particular about moisture, he loves nothing more than wiping up water off the floor or condensation off the coffee table. He got very upset with his sheets, and cried for me to come change them and him. Now he's very upset with the fact that I've not only replaced his diaper and put him in shorts to deter his diaper removal, but I also had the nerve to put him back in his bed and leave him there!

I feel very much in a slump. a rut. I need to bust out of this tiny little creativity crushing and productivity halting box that I've managed to fall into. But how? The "negative" shoulder character is whispering to me that it's ok. After all, I am very pregnant. A little laziness is acceptable. I'll pick all this up again and catch up after I have the baby. But my "positive" shoulder character is who I am trying to side with. Pregnancy is no excuse! I am unhappy with my current situation, so I should change it. Nobody else is going to swoop in and do it for me, I need to be the change I want to see.

And yet, I remain in this wretched box. What am I waiting for?

No comments:

Post a Comment