Friday, October 29, 2010

The Work and the Muse

At 5 am, I jumped out of bed and into the chilly air. I know myself well enough to realize that had I pushed the snooze button on my alarm, or waited for myself to "wake up" in my cozy, warm bed, I would never have gotten up. So, I flash freezed myself. I highly recommend this method of waking up, especially if it takes a while to get dressed. The cold air speedens the process.

I stumbled down the stairs, and fumbled in the semi-darkness to start a pot of coffee. I was happy to note that I didn't have that fog that's been clouding my mind on and off the last 2 weeks. I now call that fog "over sleeping". Armed with a fresh mug of violently hot coffee, I sat down in this very chair in front of this desk, and prepared to write.

My mind, though fog-less, was blank. I re-read the last few paragraphs I'd written. Still blank. I dug down deep and grabbed hold of the faintest memory, just barely there, and wrote the little bit I could about it. A sentence. Then a paragraph. Then blank again. The another paragraph. Another memory comes to mind. A handful of words turned into 3 pages, and ended up being about 1,000 words.

5 am and hard work... who needs the muse, anyway? She's very unreliable.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

About to surrender for the night...

But before I do, I wanted to end the night on a positive note, especially given my earlier post.

So, things that rocked about today...
1. Ayslyn took 2 fantastic naps
2. The kids ate dinner without a problem, and then excitedly took baths
3. I finished my raspberry and chocolate ice cream. This is positive because it's no longer in my freezer tempting me.
4. Jerry and I talked and are happier

My truth for the day is this - I consider my marriage to be permanent, and I build my life on and around it. It doesn't mean that it's perfect, but it does mean that Jerry is going to be there with me through all the ups and downs. To be able to rely on his presence like that is one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given.

On that note, sweet dreams.

Trouble in Paradise

Or something like that.

Mustache Man and I haven't been rubbing each other the right way for the last few days. Ayslyn is teething. Zach is needy. Both kids are trying to get used to having Daddy home with us again (he got back from nearly 3 weeks in the field 13 days ago). The awesome bond between he and the kids? Gone. His SuperDaddy skills? Up in smoke. Now, all we're left with is frustration and dissapointment, and trying to get back to the rythym we had going.

I have been angry. I need to feel like I can lean on my husband. I need a partner, not a helper. I need more than someone who goes to work and brings home the bacon.

The stress is overwhelming I feel like I'm always having to referee for the kids and Husband. I feel like I need to keep the peace between them... and keep the house running, the meals made, and laundry done. I almost flipped out this morning because Husband left a cereal bowl with milk in the sink while I took Zach to his speech class. Say what? That's a tiny thing to be irritated over, comepletely irrational of me. But I was anyways. He was done with it, would it have been that hard to rinse the bowl and put it in the empty dishwasher? Huh?

I'm going to lose it. I know I am. We've tried talking, but it doesn't get anywhere. I want more than he feels he can give - in his point of view, he's giving 110% effort and I just keep asking for more.

Today sucks. I feel guilty, but I'm almost happy that he has duty tonight so I can relax - so I don't have to be the middleman between him and the kids. I'm relieved because it means that after I put the kids down for bed, I can go to bed too... instead of waiting until 9:30 or 10 pm. It means peace, and sleep, and a break.

I could really use a break.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

When a habit becomes...

This morning, I stumbled upon a great realization! What I had thought would be a mega wrestling match had been, in fact, a surprisingly simple change.

3 weeks ago, a friend's husband asked me how my writing was going. He doesn't know what I'm working on, just that I enjoy it and hope to become published someday-over-the-rainbow kind of thing. I was happy that he asked, then proceeded to give him my list of perfectly reasonable excuses as to why I haven't been writing lately - I've been really tired with the kids, don't have a lot of spare time, blah, blah, blah. I heard myself tell him these ridiculous things, and luckily snapped myself out of a rut.

I didn't have time because I didn't make time to write. I didn't plant myself in front of my computer everyday. Instead, I was waiting for the elusive muse to drop in and help me compose my masterpiece - a story which has already been fulfilled and is just aching to be told.

Thank you, Jeremy, for inadvertently snapping me out of my self-induced wretchedness.

The very next morning, I got up at 5 am to sit at my computer and write. And did so for 7 days straight. In those 7 days, I cranked out 28 pages of my first draft. It was a feat I'd never yet been able to accomplish. I usually delete my works-in-progress after the first couple page, devestated by their lack of wit, charm, and sense.

Here I am. I took the last 4 mornings off (the husband had a 4 day weekend, and it's significantly harder to leave our warm, comfortable bed when he's home). My goal is to attack my WIP with renewed vigor, and a fresh sense of purpose. I'll be participating in NaNoWriMo this year. I have a few ideas for novels that have been bouncing around in my head for a while, and I may set my current project aside for the month of November to bring one of them to life. Or, I may simply continue on with my current writing love and frantically type along with the comforting knowledge that there are others doing the same thing as me.

Happy Wednesday!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

6 AM

It's 6 am. I've been up for an hour now. I still feel like I could crawl into bed and be happy. With my luck, Ayslyn would probably wake up wanting a new diaper and a bottle just as my head was hitting the pillow.

Lots of rain yesterday, and I loved it! It was almost like being back home in our dear Washington. Mustache Man is valiantly plowing through the tons of paperwork that King County Sheriff wants. We are both thrilled and very hopeful. I'd say that I'm not holding my breath or getting my hopes up, but that would be a bald faced lie.

I have secretly allowed all my hopes to lay on this one county who is calling my fantastic husband a Deputy CANDIDATE. I want it more than I want anything else right now. Mustache Man has an incredible work ethic, and would excel at this job. The truth is, the county would be lucky to have him. I just hope that they see it that way too. I'm dying to know about the other candidates - how many there are and how all their experience and etc stack up next to my husband's. It's probably best that I don't know.

It's been about a week since I've written. The man came back home from the field and has been distracting me to no end. I think I needed to give myself a break. When I start something, I throw myself into it so fully that I can get burnt out very easily. I don't want to burn myself out on writing. So today I once again pick up my figurative pen, and press on.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Mom Sexy!

A beautiful thing happened to me when I was first pregnant with my first child. I looked in the mirror and realized "I'm going to be a mom". That came with the realization that there was a possibility that if I didn't change my habits, THIS could be as good as it gets. I started my pregnancy tipping the scale. I'm about 5 and 1/2 feet tall, but was pushing 160 lbs. I had the "aha" moment and woke up in the nick of time. Fast forward 2 years later, to the present day. I am now the proud mother of 2 beautiful children, my 2 year old son and nearly 7 month old daughter. I haven't gotten taller or shorter, luckily, but I have lost weight. I presently weigh 132-ish pounds.

I decided that I wasn't going to be one of THOSE mom's. You know the kind - the mom who had a few kids and gave up on being a human being. A few weeks ago, when my Hubby went to the field for Steel Night training (18 days) I started a detox (see previous postings for random and incomplete information). I started the detox at 139.6 lbs. When I ended it, I was 132 lbs.

For me, when I crossed the line into motherhood, I had a decision to make. I could lose myself in the kids, pack on the pounds and use excuses like how tired I was from getting up with the baby at night and chasing a toddler during the day. I could eat tons of chocolate to "compensate" for my devastation in my after-baby body. OR, I could get off my butt and tone and exercise. I could eat healthy. I could take sexy back and reclaim my "little self", drive my husband wild *major success here* and feel like the sexiest woman alive. I may have a baby on my hip, but it doesn't mean that I can't look good doing it.

I want to be "Mom Sexy". MILF is one of my favorite compliments these days! I'm bringing my sexy back. I stumbled upon this gem this morning, and thought I'd post the link for my fellow sexy-Mom's out there. Click on the link and check out Mommyologist!

Sunday, October 10, 2010


Today is Sunday. Sunday's are usually peaceful for my soul. Today I find I am antsy, and restless. Maybe I need to go shopping.

The truth is, I DO need to go shopping. Ayslyn is in near-desperate need to fall/cool weather clothing. She has barely a handful right now since she outgrew her last size and is now in 6-9 month clothes. She has been rather cranky the last few days, and whether this is because she has a cold or because she is teething, I know not. Its probably both.

Zach has gone 2 entire accident free nights in his "big boy underwear". YES!!! This is a huge milestone for me. I've been dreading the night time stuff, but it's going well. I'm sure we will run into "accidents" but for now, I'm just overjoyed that my boy has taken to potty training so well!

Jerry comes home this week (I can officially say that), on Friday. To say that I am excited is not exactly right. I am on one hand, I miss that man so much every time he's gone overnight (or longer... you know, almost a month in this case). However, the kids and I have gotten into a groove, and it's a groove that I'm very productive and happy with. We will see, hopefully we all adjust well to Dad being back home.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

My bad...

I really gotta stop saying I'm going to do something when I know I probably won't. Its a hard habit to break. I said I was going to blog about my detox, and I haven't. So here is an update.

I started this detox on September 27th. Today is 13th day. When I stepped on the scale this morning, I weighed 133 lbs. I started at 139.6 lbs. This is a huge accomplishment for me - I'd kind of stalled out at 138 just exercising on my own. I am really hoping to be under 130 by next Friday. If it doesn't happy, that's OK. I've been doing some light exercise, nothing to strenuous because I don't want to push my body to hard on the kind of "diet" I'm on.

In preparation for the end of my detox, I've been doing a lot more nutritional research and collecting healthy recipes. We eat pretty well normally, I like to put a lot of veggies in with whatever I make, and we're usually good about protein. However, I'm not making the most of our meals nutritionally, so that's going to be a welcome change.

I tried on my Birthday Ball dress last night. It fits better than when I bought it, but I'm still not "bombin'" like I want to be. I have one month left until Ball, and I plan to use that month exercising and tightening my stomach in particular.

I've been getting up at 5 am to write for the last few days. Even this morning, a Saturday. I'm a much happier person for it, and it seems like I have FINALLY managed to turn off my inner editor so I can't just the crap down on the page and worry about fixing it later. I've struggled with that for a long time, and I look forward to increasing creativity and productivity as a writer.