Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Washed With Guilt

I've had a terrible fear ever since Jerry and I got married. I've not only let the man into my life but into my heart. I find that almost 6 years after our I do's, I am completely dependent on him. My life doesn't feel right when he's away in the field. The deployment he went away was, on some days, a literal struggle for sanity.

I've always known this is how I would be. But, I've also always known that I couldn't stand the thought of him being held back by my shortcomings. So, after our 2nd wedding anniversary, when the topic of enlisting came up, I encouraged him to go. I supported him. And I cried a lot.

In my mind, everyday could be the last. Accidents happen. The deployment was a 13 month living nightmare, jumping every time the phone rang and dreaming of the worst possible outcome. If I don't have him, then the truth is, I don't really want life. Our two beautiful children now have helped those feelings very much, they are my personal beacons of hope.

Why so doomsy? Yesterday, Jerry told me about a co-worked of his. He is a friendly type of guy. I remember him laughing a lot. He liked to tease me when I would go see Jerry at work. This young man had gone to Afghanistan for a deployment. He was shot in the back, and in the back of the head.

He's still alive.

I feel a terrible amount of grief for him. For the pain he has endured, for what he may face in the upcoming months with surgery and how his mind may be adjusting to it all. Riding about this feeling, I am washed with guilt. Selfishly, my natural go-to thought is "It wasn't Jerry. Thank God it wasn't Jerry."

We have 6 more months (ish) here in California. This makes me want to pack my family up and run. To take them back home, or somewhere I would feel is safe enough to put them. We're basically in the clear - Jerry won't be deployed before he gets out, and has only basic field training in the future. I would never claim to be rational. It's just the thought floating in my head.

Please pray for the injured Marine, and take a moment out of your day to recognize the sacrafice of our military members, and their families. I can only try to imagine how his family must feel.

No comments:

Post a Comment