This last weekend was the eye of my storm.

It was calm, productive, and very happy. On Saturday, my unofficially-someday-brother-in-law came over and graciously watched our kids, releasing us from all parental obligations for about 8 hours of Toby Keith & Trace Adkins enjoyment. James Otto opened the concert at Cricket Wireless Ampitheater. It was the same concert I wanted to take Jerry to last year (however, he was in the field then). Sunday brought an usually late morning (9:30 am) for us, and a day of garage cleaning. I managed to clean out a bunch of junk and shredded stacks of 5 year old statements. Every little box brings me closer to moving, and I can feel the excitement deep in my bones.

Way too early this morning, the kids and I slogged out of bed and dropped "Dad" off at work. He is gone until Friday for a backyard shoot. He says that the field time he was supposed to have in September got cancelled, and I sincerely hope it did. It would be about my luck that it was just rescheduled, but I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

I've entered survival mode. I have zero expectations for this week. We will eat, and sleep, and read books. Not too bad altogether, I'd just prefer that my dear husband was home with us instead of playing in the sand. (Just for the record, he wouldn't call it playing.) I have my first Kristan Higgins book and "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" to keep me company. If I happen to finish both of those... well, I have a CJ Box that I've been putting off for a bit. Even if I had an caffeine drip, I don't think it would help. I can only pray that the kids sleep at the same time, for a long time. Then maybe I can squeak in a much needed nap.

Happy Surviving...

My Husband, My Support

The other night, my husband had just gotten home for the day and we were talking about money and our upcoming move, which led to things we want to get rid of down here in California and how we hope to actively declutter our home before it comes time to pack. I gestured to my "writing/craft table", and miserably made comment of the stacks of writing books and how-to's sitting there.

My husband laughed, and said to me "But Babe, that's your thing. You're a writer, and those books are part of your craft."

My first response was to jump up and kiss him all over. My internal dialogue was similar to the following: "He thinks I'm a writer?! That's my thing? HE USED THE WORD CRAFT?!"

I used to feel as though I could never be a writer. I had never had any support in that area before. I remember telling my mother when I was young that I wanted to be a writer wen I grew up. She said that I couldn't be because it doesn't make any money. Well, I don't make any money now as a stay-at-home-mom, and it doesn't cost me a penny to type away on this keyboard. The cherry to it all, the extremely touching and emotional cherry, is that my husband believes in my and in my passion, and in my potential.

And if he believes in me, I can do anything.

I ought to expect less of myself more often...

I woke up again this morning with Jerry at 5:15 am. I sat down with my cup of earl gray tea, and put my fingers to use. Not only did I meet my goal word count for the morning, but I exceeded it. I'm getting so enthusiastic about my writing again. I'm thinking about it all the time, when I'm doing house work, playing with my kids, even when I am trying to sleep. I had read about so many writers scheduling their time out and being stringent about it. I tried that, and failed. I've come to accept that if I schedule something, it's probably not going to happen. By not holding myself up to any expectations, I am happier and more productive. I wonder if I will have to trick myself for the rest of my life to get anything done.

The sun is bright already, and it's just 9 am. I am happy to see that the clouds have temporarily vacated. The grass is green and the sky is blue. Today is a good day. I think the kids and I will go for a walk when Ayslyn wakes up.

One last thought - I am finally OK with "process" and "layering". Before, I wanted to write a good, healthy chunk and have to do minimal editing. I thought that I would write too much, and then dissect, shaping my story into a beautiful work of art. It never occurred to me that I would first write the skeleton, then add the muscle, then a little padding, and some skin. Its an interesting process for me, and I'm certainly learning a lot about myself in the meantime.

My plan of no expectation

seems to be working. This morning as I was starting to wake up, I was already thinking about writing. My eyes were closed, and I tossed and turned, and silently argued with myself - to wake up and write, or to sleep? My daughter, at 4 months old, knowing what was best for Mom, woke up for her morning bottle. I decided to hit the keyboard.

In one hour, I wrote 1039 words, and the first real memory I have of my husband and myself. I feel accomplished, inspired, and pretty damn good overall!

Yesterday, while the kids napped, I cleaned out my half of the closet and underneath the bed. It was amazing how many clothes I had to go to Goodwill! We are slowly and surely sorting through our piles of stuff and cleaning out the junk. By the time January rolls around, I feel confident we will have only the things we need/want/use, and have removed all the extra crap we've accumulated over the past few years. I hope that the next move will be our the most efficient yet. We took a good hard look at our DVD shelves the other day, and went through and removed a whole bunch that we never watch. Tonight, we will be taking them to F.Y.E. and selling them. I wonder how much we will get?

I highly encourage staying ahead of the game and regularly "detoxing" your home! With every area I sort through and get freshened up I can feel my energy levels rise and my day brighten.

Today is a day of laundry folding, and hopefully more progress and growth! My personal challenge today is to spend quality one-on-one time with my son. He's been a real trooper letting his baby sister have a good deal of the attention from me and Dad. I want to make sure he gets time to feel special and loved today.

The peanut butter and cheese crackers

are still sitting on the bookshelf by my desk. I keep looking at them and thinking that the next time I get up I am going to grab them and put them where they belong.

But then the Zach tries to drive his trucks over Ayslyn's head, or Ayslyn bursts into hysterics because she can't stand dirty diapers. The point being, I've been meaning to move these crackers for 2 days. And for 2 days, I've forgotten to do it.

Today is the day I move them.

Last night, and the night before, my darling 4 month old daughter slept for 12 hours straight. Dream child? I can say she that her sleeping habits are very close to perfect. However, I feel like I'm literally dragging myself around the house. I've all but taped my eyelids open. However, I've managed to read some amazing blog posts this morning that feel like I can get-up-and-go just a little bit more and manage to bring something to the world today.

I have a revolving thought in my head that I've developed into my own personal "get out of jail free" card. "BUT I'M A MOM" - to two kids under 2. Exactly. I am. I am worn out, exhausted, spit up on, and cried out. When I was a Mom to a single child, I thought I was too busy to juggle anymore, and then we added another munchkin to the family. I'm no fairy godmother, I know that I can't make time. Sadly, I am one of the WORST time managers ever known to the world. So I am making it a goal to manage my time better.

Because reading these other blogs by amazing women inspires me to be amazing. I know what I don't want to be. I'm just not sure of how to become the woman I burn to be. And so continues my growth-by-trial-and-error.

I'm going to be purposeful today. I think I'll go move those crackers now.

Face lift!

New layout to come soon.

How many times am I going to beat my head against a brick wall...

before I finally wise up and stop?

As my quest for personal growth continues (erm, stalls out?) I am ever thinking and trying to come up with ways for me start accomplishing my goals. A few thoughts that occurred to me...

I have a giant list of goals, and none of them get done! I think I need to have one goal at a time. Picking through my past and predictable behaviors, I believe I've come to the conclusion that instead of rising up to the mountain of things I'd like to do for myself, my inner fear-of-failure causes me to crumble and not even try. SO OUT GOES THE LIST. From now on, I have no expectations of myself, because I know that is where I find my motivation and desire, and drive.

A second minor thought was I can see what I want to write in my head. When we drove up to Big Bear for 4th of July weekend, I had so much inspiration and so much rushing though my mind - it was absolutely intoxicating. The trees, the smell of evergreens, the dirt and sunshine, it was wonderful. As all good things end, so did our weekend. We came back to the beach, and sand, and a serious lack of green. Once again I feel like I'm dying (figuratively, of course). Like a flower that needs sunshine by is in the shadiest part of the flower bed. I need to go home. California. is. killing. my. soul.

A couple quotes I found that seemed to ring a bell with me this morning...

“When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.” - Confucius

"I'm very determined and stubborn. There's a desire in me that makes me want to do more and more, and to do it right. Each one of us has a fire in our heart for something. It's our goal in life to find it and to keep it." - Mary Lou Retton