I can see the breakthrough!

Now, if I could only just get to it! I read some simple yet wonderful articles from Scott Nicholson at www.hauntedcomputer.com this morning. It made me reminisce a little about my favorite childhood books/authors (not in any particular order, just as I remembered them).

1. Goosebumps by R.L. Stine
2. Anne of Green Gables (and sequels) by L.M. Montgomery
3. Nicholas Sparks
4. Mary Higgins Clark
5. Anne McCaffery
6. Little House on the Prairie books by Laura Ingalls Wilder
7. Frindle by Andrew Clements
8. Harry Potter books by J.K. Rowling
9. The Thoroughbred Series by Joanna Campbell
10. Babysitter's Club by Ann M. Martin
11. The Saddle Club books by Bonnie Bryant
12. Herculeah Jones series by Betsy Byars
13. Pony Pals by Jeanne Betancourt
14. Lost Years of Merlin Series by T.A. Barron
15. The Work and the Glory Series by Gerald N. Lund

The struggle of limbo

I feel like I'm in an emotional-non-war with limbo. I feel nothing, no negativity or disappointment, but also no positivity or excitement. The last few days have been a somewhat struggle to even try to remember my goals and aspirations. I find myself daydreaming and living in the future - 7 and 8 months from now when we've moved from California and back up to Washington. To a time when my children and older, more independent, which I dream will allow me a smidgen of freedom during the day to tap away on my laptop.

I'm in a constant internal tug-of-war with my current writing project. I can see what I what it to be, but I can't find the path to crafting it. I write, I re-read, and I think its garbage. I'm frustrated because I haven't been able to convey exactly what I hear and feel in my mind and heart onto the blank page in front of me. I know I can find the time to write. That's not really an issue. The issue, or excuse, is not being able to keep a flowing thought pattern. I can't stay in the moment with my writing. I find myself interrupted by my kids, laundry, dishes, dinner, or my desire to spend the little precious time we have alone with my hubby.

I've read so much on women who have been reminded of their love for writing when their kids are in preschool or early elementary. I entertain the thought that if only I had a chunk of time where I could write uninterrupted (not for the writing time but for the flow of thought) that I could do this.

Excuses, excuses.

Nobody said change was easy...

Day 2 of my "month of change", and I already feel as though I am failing, which makes me feel downright pathetic. My little pixie normally takes a couple short naps during mid morning and early afternoon. Today, she has been up since 9 am, and its already 1:30 pm! Of course, I know that she isn't the one keeping me from being successful. I've wasted a ton of time, and gotten nothing accomplished. I have a gazillion excuses, and none of them matter. If I can't even keep a promise to myself to be more productive, what good am I really? There is still most of the afternoon. And since I suspect that my daughter may just have fallen asleep, I'm going to cut this short and try to get some writing done. If I can write everyday for the next month, I will feel accomplished. If I can write and change, I'll have succeeded. I guess we'll see...

Some Self Reflection and Realization

My last blog post was nearly 2 months ago. WHAT?! I had been planning on committing myself more. I had planned on writing more. I had planned on becoming the amazing woman in my mind's eye.

I suppose that is my problem - I love to plan, and I love to think ahead and envision all the glorious and amazing things I plan to do with my life, but I never quite get to the doing/accomplishing part of the plan. I have dreams, and wants, and goals just like anybody does, but I keep them quite and hidden,and below the surface. I could soak in denial, and ask "why?" like I have no idea. The truth - I am afraid of rejection, and of failure. The other truth - who isn't? I've been excusing away my time, wasting it on mindless things. I'm tired of being lazy, of being unproductive, and tired of killing all the creativity within me.

So I did some soul searching, and found my bottom line. Even if I could believe that it was too late for me to believe in myself, or in creating a better future for my family, I could never allow my children to grow up with the same belief. So I'm going to change. I'm not planning it this time, I'm just going to DO it, one day at a time.

My wonderful husband calls me Superwoman. He thinks I have some sort of amazing, enduring drive. He has unfailing faith in me, and since I won't consider disappointing him, I'm going work hard for that title for the next month. Everyday through August 11th, I am going to blog about how my improvement is coming along to keep accountable. And hopefully, on the other end, is a changed, positive, and more productive me.

The End of May - As I know It

Finally! The last week of May. Things have still been quite busy in our house. Dear Hubby was supposed to leave yesterday to go for some training (this should actually be quite fun for him. They are doing amphibious landing) but the waves were so big that they had to put off leaving until today, which means one day less of training. Gee darn. He will be back on Friday, hopefully with a memory card full of awesome pictures I can put in his Marine Corps scrapbook.

Ayslyn is growing well, and I am beyond eager for her to get older. I realize this is my last time raising a newborn, and that I should delight in her size and simplicity... but I can't wait for her to be a little older and more independent... and on a steady sleep schedule!

I've been working out fairly consistently in the fitness center at our housing office (when the Hubby doesn't work late, and isn't away for field training). Im immensely grateful to Jerry for manning up and taking care of the kids just to give me the chance to sweat out my frustration and stress. There hasn't been any weight loss, but I feel so much healthier and there is a noticeable difference in how my jeans are fitting! I feel happier too... a lot less like a mommy walking around covered in spit up and formula, and more like a normal human being. Always a plus.

Happy Mother's Day!

Just wanted to through out a quick Happy Mother's Day!

A quick little bit of Mother's Day Background - Mother’s day was first suggested in the United States by Julia Ward Howe, writer of the Battle Hymn of the Republic. However, a Miss Anna Jarvis and supporters campaigned for a National Mother's Day, and in 1911 Mother's Day was celebrated by nearly every state of the Union. It was made a National Holiday in 1914 by President Woodrow. So no, it was not just invented by the Hallamark Card Company as another money making success.

And as for me, I tell my husband to just go ahead and put the 5 bucks he'd spend on a card towards my gift, or some starbucks. This year, however, my husband is in the field for training (again!). After successfully hauling my two kiddos to church, I was delighted to get my first "present" from Zach - a traced cutout of his hand from his Sunday School class. That's all I need for Mother's Day, and it was certainly enough to melt my heart.

Zach has decided to forgo his nap today, and he is being very vocal to let me know that he is indeed awake, and that I should go get him out of his room.

I hope that everyone will take the time to slow down today, and truly enjoy being with their kids! Happy Mother's Day!

My How Time Flies... When You're Sleep Deprived

I've just realized how terribly neglected my blog has been!

My daughter is now 6 weeks old, and is plumping up quite nicely. Z is a very involved big brother, and insists on petting and patting his sister's head and holding her hand in the car.

I've been swamped lately with learning how to juggle my two little munchkins, especially with the husband being away for training, I'm barely sneaking in quick showers late at night. He left on Sunday the 2nd, and comes back on the 14th.(Get this ridiculousness! For the month of May, he's only home for 12 total days! The rest he is slotted to spend in the field training for a deployment he isn't even going on!) I'm in survival mode right now, and I know all you Mama's can understand.

I hope to soon be re-vamping my blog a little bit and changing things up - well, as soon as I get a minute to breathe! It'll probably be when the hubby is home and I get a couple minutes to myself again. Until then...